Page 55 of Sparks
“Shawn,” I said, biting my lip.
“Listen,” he started. “It’s over with me and Nat. It’s…I think it’s over.”
My heart raced then sank then raced again.
“You think?” I asked. “Have you talked about it?”
“She won’t talk to me. She’s so pissed that I took this duty station.”
There was the sinking sensation again. I rubbed my face. “You need to talk.”
“I know, but I can’t force her to sit down and have a civil conversation with me over the phone.”
“Shawn…” My heart began a hard thumping that was almost painful. “I shouldn’t be in the picture while you’re dealing with this. You need to be able to think straight.”
“Iamthinking straight, Harlow. Since I’ve met you it’s like I’m finally seeing things for what they are. There’s no denying it anymore. I don’t feel the way I should about her anymore, and I know she doesn’t either. Neither of our needs are being met.”
With their possible breakup looming, I felt more than ever that I was getting caught in a web where I didn’t belong. All week long I’d been pushing aside my guilt and letting myself get swept away. I didn’t like this feeling. My eyes burned as conviction filled me.
“No. I can’t do this.” I couldn’t believe I said it. It felt right, but so awful. “If I’m in the picture when you guys break up, I’m always going to feel like it was partly my fault.”
“Harlow. No.” Why did he have to sound so broken?
“It feels really wrong,” I told him, even as my heart broke. “I have so much guilt, Shawn. So much.”
“You have nothing to feel guilty about. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I have, though,” I admitted. “If I weren’t in the picture, you could be concentrating on fixing your family.”
“I’ve been trying a long time to fix it. My family is falling apart, with or without you in the picture.”
I groaned and pinched the bridge of my nose.
“Don’t make that sound,” he whispered as if in pain. “You have no idea what it does to me.” I swear, the sound of him being turned on sent a bolt of fire straight to my core. I pressed my knees together and pinched my bridge even harder.
“This is too hard,” I said, my eyes burning now. “If you guys break up because of your job and the distance, that’s one thing. But I need to not be in the picture until after.”
“I wouldn’t even be talking to you if things were good in my life. That’s the God’s honest truth.”
Nothing he could say would make me believe I wasn’t making the situation worse. He was emotionally cheating on her with me and I couldn’t do it anymore. He had one more week in Japan. One more week to try and get his fiancé on board to move there so he could have his son in his daily life. The burning behind my eyes intensified and it was hard to take a breath without emotion overflowing.
“Promise me you’ll deal with your situation,” I said thickly. “Promise me you won’t let it linger forever. This limbo is not good for anyone.”
“Harlow…fuck. I’m sorry you’re dragged into this. I do need to take care of it. Are you crying? Please don’t cry.”
I wiped my eyes and sniffed back the moisture. “No.” But my voice gave me away. Damn it.
“Honey, please don’t cry.”Honey. Dear Lord. I melted into a puddle of mush and swallowed back another wave of emotion.
“I have to go,” I choked out.
“I don’t want to hang up.”
“We have to,” I whispered. And what I couldn’t tell him was that I was falling way too hard and too fast and I was scared shitless. “Good bye, Shawn.”
He paused, and I knew he wanted to argue and beg. Finally, in a defeated voice he said, “Sweet dreams.”
I hung up and let myself really cry.
