Page 54 of Sweet & Salty
“Then what is it? Ellie,please. I hate this distance you’re putting between us. I’ll do anything to make it go away.”
My vision tinges a pink that could be red, if looked at from a certain angle. “DistanceI’mputting between us?”
He reels, eyes flicking between mine in shock and… oof. Hurt.
Great, now I’ve gone and hurt him. Nice and selfish of me, that. Classic Elodie, caring more about herself than the peopleshe loves. Jealous of my best friend for being happy. Jealous of my brother for the same. When will I learn that it’s not all about me? When will I learn to stop making everything so… sobig.
It’snotbig—not a big deal, not a big problem, not a big anything.
Understanding washes over the hurt in Sol’s face before he says, “Ah. It’s the move.”
A bolt of irritation has me biting my tongue. It’s not a big deal. It’s not a big deal.It’s not a big deal.
And it’s especially not worth hurting him over.
It doesn’t matter that he thinks so little of leaving me that it didn’t even occur to him as something that might be upsetting to me. Clearlyhe’snot upset about our separation, so why should I be? It’s not about me, and it’s. Not. A. Big. Deal.
“It’s fine,” I say. “Everything is perfectly fine. I’m fine, you’re fine, we’re fine. It’s allfine.”
“It’s not fine, clearly. I thought… I thought we talked about this? Sweet & Salty needed someone to handle the offshoot here, and you knew I’d been wanting a manager position. I didn’t think… I thought you were happy for me?”
“I am happy for you,” I assert. “You’ve done an amazing job, and I’m glad that you’ve progressed to where you want to be.” Far away. Without me.
“El,” he admonishes. “You’re not being fair.”
No, maybe I’m not. But what is “fair” really? Is it fair that he left me? Is it fair that I’m asked about him constantly by customers, even though he’s been gone formonths? Is it fair that they all seem disappointed when it’s just me, Elodie, behind the counter? Is it fair that when he was born, he got all of the golden-child selfless goodness from our gene pool while I got stuck inheriting all the selfish, obnoxious bad?
Life’s not fair. Our parents drilled that into me from the moment I could understand the words. Or thought I understood,anyway. Until recently, I’m not sure I had a clue. Because yeah, life’s not fair, but you make what you can out of the unfairness. You find the good. You find the opportunities. You smile and you laugh and you don’t let it fester bitterness under your skin.
I used to be so good at that. But, then, I used to have Sol beside me to help burn up the seeds of bitterness with the warm comfort of his always and forever through anything love, like a big brother is supposed to do.
I swipe angrily at my eyes.
Stupid tears. Stupid feelings.
Stupid Elodie.
“Ellie,” he whispers, sliding his legs off mine so that he can fold me into his arms. “Talk to me.”
Air burns through my lungs. “I just—” I just what? I just am a selfish brat who doesn’t want her brother to be happy without her? I just hurt and wish he were suffering the way that I have been without him? I just hate that my big brother was able to move on without me while I’m stuck and swamped by a million things he used to help me through? “I justmissyou, Sol.”
“I miss you, too,” he replies readily.
Curly strands of golden blond stick to my face as I drag in a shaky, painful breath. “Then why’d you leave me?” I ask. “Why was it so easy for you?” Why wasn’t I enough?
He flinches, arms constricting around me as he curses. “You think that was easy for me? That Iwantedto leave you?”
“It didn’t seem all that hard.”
He curses again, pushing me away then pulling me back in until we’re face to face, and I’m forced to look into his incredulous, offended, borderline-angry eyes as he asks, “Are you serious?”
Scratch that “borderline” before “angry."
“It didn’t seem hard for me to upend my entire life, move to a place where I have no friends and only Lyra as any sort offamily that counts, leave behind my very favorite person in the entire universe, manage a tiny shop in a tiny town and try to make it successful enough to prove that I’m capable of handling something bigger, havenotime to do anything outside of work, let alone try to make friends, have my sister all but completely stop talking to me so that I’m here, isolated and alone because Lyra, the one person I do know, is a flagging newlywed, so I see her maybe once a month when they have a ‘family event’ to invite me to? Which, by the way, is usually a familycrimethat I spend the duration of paranoid I’m going to be caught, arrested, fired from my job, and stranded in small-town West Virginia when I’m a man who thrived in city life. Small-town living for the rest of forever is just about my worst nightmare outside of having my dearest, favoritest, bestest sister stop talking to me because she thinks, for some deluded reason, that I’d rather not have her in my life. That seems easy to you, El? ‘Cause from my point of view, it has not been easy.” His breaths come heavy as he shakes me. “I freakingmiss you, you ridiculous little brat. Stop throwing a fit and miss me back!”
A tear falls from his eye, wetting a trail down his cheek until it hits his jaw and disappears.
I gulp.
