Page 14 of Savage Hate
OfwhatI am.
And I see myself through his eyes. Digging through the garbage as a gangly fourteen-year-old. I don’t even think he remembers that, but I do. The shame followed me for weeks.Months.He sees me pushing back against the teachers. And now? He was a witness to Noah almost assaulting me. In his eyes, I’m a wreck—amess. There is nothing worthy about me, yet when these three guys look at me…
I blink a few times, trying to dispel the tears that begin to prick at the corners of my eyes.
“Lennon?” Noah comes around the corner, glancing between the four of us. “What’s going on?”
Ihatethe remorseful looks on Silas, Damon, and Jude’s faces. The sorrow, the understanding. White, hot rage fills me. I never want to see that look on anyone’s face again. I glance up at Noah, cross my arms, and narrow my eyes at Silas Huxley.
“If you ever touch me again, I will call the cops.”
Noah moves before asking questions. He’s huge, and he has Silas backed up against the wall in less than a second.
“What the fuck did you do to her, you piece of shit?”
I don’t look up at Silas.
I can’t.
Instead, I tap my foot on the floor and look down as people come to observe what all the commotion is about. I hadn’t noticed earlier, but the music is softer now. Of course everyone heard Noah scream at Silas.
Noah’s football friends come around the corner of the hallway, and before I know it, they’re dragging the three dork storks away by the collars of their shirts. Swallowing thickly, I ignore the guilt settling in my belly like a heavy stone. Instead, I find Mindy and tell her that I want to leave.
Even though we’re sober now, we decide to catch a cab, and I plug in our address for the ride share company. We wait on the sofa until I get a notification that the driver is outside, and I brace myself for what I’m about to see.
A crowd has gathered in Noah’s driveway, and I see three crumpled bodies on the ground. The concrete is red. Someone’s bleeding, and there’s blood on Noah’s hands. My eyes flick to his, and he nods once before kicking Silas again. Biting my lower lip, I look away and walk to the silver car, Mindy chattering beside me about the junior guy she has now claimed as her own. I try to pay attention, nodding and humming at the right times. But my ears are ringing with shame, with guilt. It’s going to make me sick.
I can’t tear my eyes away from Silas, Damon, and Jude.
I watch them for as long as we can, for as long as the window will allow me to. When I can’t anymore, I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and vow never to think of any of them again.
nine
Lennon
Present
I don’t want to go to work today. My body is protesting, and even though I slept until noon, I don’t feel restedat all.Instead, the backs of my thighs ache from scrubbing the floors, and the sides of my arms sting from all the manual labor. I didn’t get back to my apartment until nearly four. The guys all sat around and drank beer, not saying a single word to me as I cleaned up their stations. Silas asked me to do inventory at two, and I nearly started crying myself to sleep right then and there.
But I refused to give in.
I refused to acknowledge the grudge they still hold against me from ten years ago, refused to give in to their revenge plot.
They wanted me to scrub the floors? Okay, I’d scrub those damn floors. Count glove boxes and disinfectant wipe packets until my eyes nearly bled? Sure. It didn’t matter to me. I felt like a hollow shell of my former self, anyway. It wasn’t like they were going to break me. Not when there was nothing left to break.
I yawn and get up to make some toast as I get ready to meet Mindy for coffee in thirty minutes. Showering quickly, I throw my hair up, step into some leggings, a cropped tank top, and my Birkenstocks. I glance at myself in the mirror, repeating some of the things I was taught in therapy. I grew up without parental mentors, which left me insanely insecure, so I had to do the hard work and relearn how to love myself. Instead of saying I look sloppy, I rephrase it–I don’t look sloppy, I lookcasual.
I walk up to the town square and cross the main street, heading into the park. The café we’re meeting at is a cute, little pastry shop that sells tea and scones. It’s on the other side of the square, and I get there ten minutes early. Grabbing a table outside, I watch the pastry chef inside as she rolls something out in the kitchen. It looks like the start of croissants. One of my favorites. Jealousy flares through me, and I swallow as she makes eye contact with me. I would kill to own a shop like this, to bake all day long, to watch as people eat my creations. In the grand scheme of things, that is my ultimate goal, but I’ve never had a chance to really go after it.
I’m still daydreaming when Mindy walks up to our table.
“Oh my God,” she squeals, grinning as I stand to give her a big hug. “You literally haven’t changed at all.”
“I could say the same thing about you,” I reply, smiling.
She looks exactly the same, except maybe a bit more tired. My eyes widen when she sets a car seat down at her feet.
“When did you have a third baby?” I ask, my eyebrows rising.
