Page 27 of Masked Sins
Despite being sober now, I didn’t stop drinking because I was an addict. Not in the true sense of the word, at least. I tend to have an addictive personality, but once I put my mind to something, I could overcome pretty much anything. My therapist, Dr. Ludlow, had told me it was because I was the youngest, and the youngest children were always scrappy and resourceful. He’d also told me that because of my narcissistic father, who rarely displayed physical affection and was habitually cruel, it meant that I often thought of myself as a burden to others.
That checks out.
But no, I hadn’t given up drinking because I couldn’t stop.
I’d given up drinking because I wanted to get my life together.
For so long, I had trouble identifying what I wanted. I put my needs last, always worrying, always trying to please everyone. I didn’t know what healthy boundaries looked like, and I struggled with vulnerability and intimacy.
I’d walked straight from a bar into a munch, and kink had very quickly replaced alcohol.
The feeling of topping someone, of commanding them… it was exactly what I was looking for. I’ve always been drawn to nurturing people, and having that mutual respect moved me in ways I couldn’t otherwise find.
I spent a lot of time learning how to do kink the right way. I took college courses on consent and sexuality. I made sure to attend talks and conferences when I could. It was a hobby for Chase and Liam, my two brothers in the lifestyle. But for me?
It was my lifeboat.
Becoming a Dominant saved me in more ways than one.
“Dad’s in the hospital again,” I tell him slowly, peeling the label off the soda bottle.
Kai sighs and leans forward. “Is that what’s bothering you?”
I narrow my eyes as I look down at the table. “Not really. Maybe a little. It should. I mean, it’s fucked up that our father has cancer, yet I can’t figure out how to care.”
“I’ll tell you what I told Miles. I hope our father finds peace within himself for his actions.”
I scoff. “How can you be so righteous about him? After everything he’s done?”
Kai chuckles darkly. “Righteous? I’m not righteous. I never said I don’t wish him pain for what he did to us or to Mom. Some days, I secretly hope he suffers. That doesn’t make me very holy, does it?” He pauses, balling his hands, which are resting on the table. “But I don’t want to talk about him anymore. Not right now.” His gray eyes bore into mine. “Tell me what’s bothering you.”
“I’m worried I’m turning into him,” I admit.
Kai’s brow furrows. “I don’t see it. For one, you’re a lot nicer than him, even when you’re being a jackass.”
“Very funny.”
“Why do you think you’re turning into him?” Kai asks, expression curious.
Aside from the fact that I’m the last single brother left, besides Kai?
Besides the fact that, unlike Kai and St. Helena, I have no idea what my future looks like?
At least Kai has God.
I have no one.
I blow out a heavy breath of air. Here goes nothing…
“Because I’m in love with her,” I tell him, heart hammering in my chest. “With Layla.Ourstepsister.” His face remains expressionless, and only the twitch of his lips has me sitting up straighter. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
Kai bursts out laughing, covering his mouth as he leans back in his seat. “Wait, is this supposed to be a surprise, Ri?”
“What the fuck do you mean?” I frown.
“I thought—” He shakes his head. “No offense, little bro, but it’s been obvious for a very long time. I think the only person whodoesn’tknow is her.”
“Wonderful,” I mutter. “But you agree. Iamobsessed. Just like Dad was obsessed with Mom.”
