Page 62 of Holy Hearts
I think about Kai’s hands on Sophie’s skin, her lips parting under someone else’s kiss, her lashes fluttering as someone else gives her pleasure.
Except, it’s notsomeone.It’s Kai.
That thought tightens something in my chest.
I take a slow, steadying breath, pressing down the knot of jealousy and nerves coiling in my chest. This is what I want. What I agreed to. Sophie, Kai, me—this is exactly how it’s supposed to go. If it gets to be too much, I have my safe word;I can call it off anytime. But the thought of pulling the plug feels like admitting defeat, like losing something I haven’t even figured out how to hold on to yet.
So I swallow hard, clench my fists, and will myself to stay right here in the thick of it. I need this, even if I don’t fully understand why.
“You look handsome,” Sophie purrs, placing her arms around my waist. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been quiet all night.”
I nod. “I’m sure.”
“Because we don’t have to do this,” she says, echoing the words from earlier when she’d watched me come home after two and a half hours at the gym. I had energy to burn off, but at least my physique will benefit this time around.
All or nothing.
I look down at my doting wife, placing my hands on either side of her face. “I want this. So much.”
A slow smile creeps across her face. “Me too.”
The car ride to downtown Crestwood is quiet. Sophie plays a Sabrina Carpenter album, and I oscillate between excitement, jealousy, and nervousness.
I have my safe word.
I can tap out.
It’ll be okay.
I’d forgotten to take my ADHD medication this morning, which means I’ve felt extra jumpy and distracted. My left foot bounces against the floor mat as I drive, and the rhythmic sound is comforting somehow. The music hums in the background, but I’m not really hearing it.
My thoughts are too loud.
I know I’m overthinking. I’m good at burying things, locking them away tight so nothing can hurt me. But tonight, it’s like my mind refuses to be obedient. Every time the thought of Kai’shands trailing over Sophie enters my mind, I have to quell the jealousy mixed with arousal.
My mind bounces between best- and worst-case scenarios, and I don’t even hear Sophie ask me a question.
“Julian?”
“Hmm?” I ask, pulling into the car park underneath Kai’s building.
Placing her hand on my leg, she squeezes it once. “You and me, okay? I love you.”
I give her a genuine smile. “You and me. And I love you more.”
The lift ride up causes my heart to pound against my ribs, and I hold on to Sophie’s hand to help keep me grounded. My breathing feels shallow, somehow, so I count the seconds. It helps me, sometimes—especially on days I forget my medication. But I can’t find the right tempo. Too fast, and I’ll seem overeager. Too slow, and I’ll seem hesitant.
Is it possible to feel both those things at once?
I want this, but with Kai, everything feels… heightened.
Sophie’s thumb brushes against the calloused part of my palm, and I squeeze her hand back.
It helps.
As we exit on the fifth floor, we quietly walk to the end of the hallway. I’ve never been here before, but I can’t help but feel like Kai’s place is going to be modest. Small. Organized.
We wanted to arrange things at his flat to keep it casual and comfortable. A hotel felt too impersonal for the arrangement, and he offered his place up, but I’m now realizing it gives the whole night a raw intimacy that makes me realize just how personal this is becoming.
