Page 153 of Holy Hearts
He shrugs, his steps slowing. “It’s a lot to process. Don’t get me wrong,” he says quickly. “I knew what I was getting into, but actually experiencing it?” He shrugs. “That’s different.”
I look up at him, studying his vulnerable expression. He’s usually so stoic and calm. Seeing him like this only enhances those nervous butterflies.
“What do you mean?” I ask softly.
Kai huffs a quiet laugh. “Listen, Sophie. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be here. With you… and with Julian. But sometimes…” He trails off, shaking his head. “Sometimes I feel like I’m standing on the outside looking in.”
His words make my chest ache, and I stop walking, turning to face him. “Kai, you’re in this.Withus. Not an outsider.”
He looks at me, his eyes searching mine. “Aren’t I? You and Julian have this whole history together. You’ve built a life, routines, traditions. I’m trying to fit into something that’s already so solid.”
“We’re trying to make room for you,” I say earnestly. “It’s not just Julian and me anymore. You’re a part of this. I hope you know that.”
Kai’s lips press into a thin line, and he glances away. “I don’t know. I can’t explain it.”
“Try,” I urge, my voice sharper than I intend.
He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “I guess it doesn’t always feel like I’m a part of whatever this is. But maybe it’s my own insecurity.” He looks at me, and his expression is so defeated that it feels like my heart cracks in half. “Forget I said anything, all right?”
I swallow, the warmth from earlier still lingering on my skin, but now it feels distant, like a fading echo. I nod once, and we resume our walk in silence.
It’s hard to reconcile this version of Kai with the one I had beneath me just an hour ago. Back at the club, he was there—present in a way that felt unshakable. His body melted against mine, every touch pulling him deeper, every sound unraveling him until it felt like nothing else existed outside of us.
But the more I think about it, the more I remember the moments I brushed aside.
The way his hands hesitated on my hips, lingering without the same surety as before. The flicker of doubt that crossed his face. The way he’d pulled away slightly, his body stiffening just when I thought he was fully lost to the pleasure between us.
I hadn’t really paid attention then, too caught up in the moment. I thought maybe he was overwhelmed—too much sensation, too quickly. But now, as we walk side by side, his steps heavier and slower, it feels like something else.
It feels like he’s retreating.
Like he’s already halfway out the door in his mind, second-guessing every part of himself that he let us see.
I replay Julian’s words in my head, the offhand comment about watching me with another man. The way Kai’s eyes had faltered, something dark and uncertain flashing behind them before he buried it beneath a kiss.
I hadn’t thought anything of it then. But maybe I should have.
Maybe this isn’t just about tonight. Maybe this is about what happens after.
I don’t reach for him, even though I want to. Even though it feels like Ishould.
Because something tells me he needs to sit on it for a minute. And maybe, just maybe, he needs to see that we aren’t going anywhere.
We reach the house two minutes later, and the warm light spilling from the windows contrasts with the tension hanging between us. Inside, Julian is sitting on the bottom of the stairs, a glass of whiskey in one hand and a book in the other. He looks up as we walk in, a smile spreading across his face.
“Hey, you two. The pasta is done. How’s Snickers?”
“Good,” I reply, unsure if I should sit down next to him or stay next to Kai. My tone is clipped, though. Julian picks up on it immediately, setting his glass down.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, his brows knitting together.
Kai leans against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest. “Nothing. Just… talking.”
Julian looks between us, his frown deepening. “Okay. Talking about what?”
I look over at Kai, and he shrugs. I can’t read him right now, but I do know that open communication is the best way forward.
“Go on,” I urge, ensuring my voice stays soft and inviting. “Tell him what you told me. We can’t fix this if we don’t know what’s wrong.”
