Page 49 of Holy Hearts
Leviticus.
Matthew.
I clung to those verses, held them close—not to judge others, but to keep myself in line. I wasn’t harsh on anyone else, just myself.
Always myself.
Back then, I thought I needed them to make sense of things, to keep myself on track.
And now? I’m sitting here, drawn to thoughts of him, my friend, the man who knows me better than anyone, and yet not at all. The one I used to call my best friend. And Sophie, the picture of devotion. Together, they exist in my mind like some forbidden relic I’m compelled to touch, even as I know I’ll be burned.
But lately, what I feel doesn’t match the words of condemnation drilled into me since I started seminary all those years ago. It feels like something I’ve been missing for years but never dared acknowledge, something that only now makes sense, though it’s wrapped in shame.
I can’t tell where the lines of belief end and my own needs begin. And part of me isn’t sure I want to know anymore.
Part of me isn’t sure Icareanymore.
I quickly pack up and walk out of Inferno.Guilt briefly flickers in my mind for dismissing Adrian so quickly. The thought lingers for a moment before I push it aside. It’s late afternoon, and I still have a few things to wrap up in my actual office. The walk is uneventful, and soon I’m closing the door before sitting at my desk. I let my face fall into my hands as I let out a frustrated sigh.
I haven’t even acknowledged that being with Adrian felt like I was betraying Sophie and Julian, despite not speaking to them since the housewarming party.
A soft knock on the door has me sitting up. “Come in.”
Jackson Parker walks into my office. “Hey. Sorry I’m late. Mark called. Apparently our flight next week was canceled, so we’re just trying to scramble?—”
“I understand,” I tell him, leaning forward. “You’ve got a lot going on right now. In the cabinet behind you, second drawer, there’s a bottle of whiskey. Here’s the key,” I tell him, tossing a key to him.
Jackson laughs. “Naughty headmaster.” He reaches behind him and unlocks the drawer, unscrewing the top before taking a swig. “Fuck, that’s good.”
He hands me the bottle and I sip it before setting it down. “Better?”
“Much,” he replies, sighing and leaning back in the chair. “I just want to be there for the birth of our child, you know? If I miss it… I’ll never forgive myself.”
I nod, considering his words. He and his partner, Mark, are expecting a child via surrogate due next week. He teaches preschool at Saint Helena and is one of our best and most coveted teachers.
He’s also Chase’s best friend, so I’ve known him for most of my adult life.
“Do you want to start your leave early?” I ask gently. “I can certainly arrange for that if needed.”
Jackson shakes his head. “No way. My little crotch goblins are the only light in my day.” He chuckles. “Besides Mark, of course.”
I huff a laugh. “Just let me know when I need to call in the substitute. She’s all ready and prepped to go. Your class will be in good hands, okay?”
Jackson nods. “Thank you. I can’t thank you enough for helping me with the paperwork. It’s not easy being a gay man sometimes. And of course, Rod got involved last week,” he adds, rolling his eyes as a flicker of frustration passes over his expression.
I stiffen. “Did he? Doesn’t surprise me,” I mutter, shaking my head.
“Something about the family values at Saint Helena. He was basically asking me to keep my reason for my leave quiet. As if a bunch of three- and four-year-olds care that I’m gay. Sometimes it’s hard having to fight for every inch.”
I swallow. “I can’t imagine.”
Jackson is quiet for a few seconds, but his eyes bore into mine. “You okay?”
I clear my throat, glancing down at the whiskey bottle before lifting my gaze to Jackson. “Before you met Mark, did you ever… think you knew yourself, and then one day realize maybe you didn’t know as much as you thought?” I ask, trying to keep my tone light, casual, like it’s just an idle thought.
Jackson grins, tipping his head thoughtfully. “You mean like how I never thought I’d want my own kids one day?” He chuckles, running a hand through his hair. “I never thought I’d marry a man. But I suppose life has a way of giving you what you need, not what you expect.”
“That’s true.” I pause, trying to find the words I’ve been wondering about since I got mixed up with both Sophie and Julian. “Were you always sure about how you felt about Mark?”
