Page 79 of Holy Hearts
I press my forehead against the tile, letting the water cascade over me, and for the first time, I admit it to myself.
I didn’t hate it.
My whole life, I’ve been the one calling the shots—structuring every scene, every relationship, until I was the center of gravity.
But last night, with Julian pulling me into his orbit, I felt weightless.
I shouldn’t crave that loss of control. But the thought of giving in, just for a moment, sticks to me like honey, sweet and cloying in a way I can’t shake.
Using the shampoo and bodywash the gym provides, I wash myself and practice keeping my mind calm and still. I focus on the feel of the water falling down my back, the feel of my calloused fingers running down my face, the way the hot water seems to calm and comfort me.
Especially when I turn my face up and close my eyes.
When I’m done ten minutes later, I feel more balanced. Quickly drying myself off, I wrap a towel around my waist and grab my dirty clothes, heading to my locker.
For the second time, Julian is there.
His back is to me, and for a second, I consider turning around and hiding somewhere so that we don’t clash again. But he must sense my presence, because he turns around to face me, setting his phone back down in his locker. He’s still shirtless, but I don’t let the sweat glistening along the hard planes of his chest distract me.
“Good workout?” I ask, keeping my voice even as I open my locker.
“Yeah. It was nice to work through some… frustrations.”
I keep my expression even as I put my dirty clothes in my gym bag. “I see,” I say slowly, not taking the bait.
“You know, I hardly ever get to talk to the men Sophie fucks after the fact,” he says a second later.
My hands still on the zipper of my bag.
Deep breaths.
Turning around, I smirk as I drop my towel.
To Julian’s credit, he doesn’t break eye contact. Instead, one of his brows arches up, and he crosses his arms.
“So… how was it? For you, I mean.”
Don’t take the bait. Don’t take the bait.
“You sound jealous,” I offer, pulling my boxer briefs on.
He scoffs. “Hardly. I have nothing to worry about.”
My eyes find his as I step into my sweatpants. “Yeah? You sure about that?”
I don’t even know why I’m saying these things. I know Julian and Sophie are solid. But for whatever reason, I feel insecure.
Julian’s lopsided smile grows as he walks over to me. He steps so close that he backs me up against the lockers, and the cold metal presses against my hot skin.
“Oh, I’m sure. Mywifeenjoyed her night, and so did I. Thank you for your service.”
My nostrils flare. His smirk doesn’t waver, but I swear I see a shadow of something darker in his eyes. Triumph? No—control. He’s always been steady like that, unshakable. It’s infuriating, really. Because right now, I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams.
Sophie is his. She’ll always be his.
And me? I’m just a fun distraction. Something shiny and new until they get bored.
It shouldn’t bother me. I should know better than to let it bother me. But the way Sophie laughs when she’s around me, or the way Julian’s gaze lingers just a second too long when he thinks I’m not looking, none of it feels temporary when I’m in the moment. It feels dangerous. Like maybe I could actually matter to them. Like maybe I’m not just passing through.
