Page 88 of Holy Hearts
Still, it throws me off-balance.
It’s been a few days since Sophie and I talked about possibly asking Kai to explore this… thing… between us further. I told her I’d take care of it, and yet, I’ve found myself stalling for time. Making excuses. Letting the days slip by, telling myself the timing isn’t right.
Maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe I’m imagining the hesitation in his eyes that wasn’t really there. But every time I think about bringing it up, I remember the way he walked away last time, seventeen years ago—without a word, without looking back—and the question catches in my throat.
What if this time is no different?
“It’s complicated,” I tell Orion. My voice is quieter, and Orion leans in a bit closer, waiting for me to continue. Leaning back on the barstool, I swirl the rest of the whiskey around in my glass and admire the way it catches the light. Then I toss it back in one long swallow.
I’m going to need to get a cab home.
Orion is looking at me with something I can only describe as patient curiosity, but the silence is heavy. This is Kai’s brother. I should talk to Kai first, right?
But… what if he walks away again?
I suppose it couldn’t hurt to ask Orion for his opinion. I know he’s also in the lifestyle as a Dom. Infernois his club, and he’s fairly well-known within the community.
Plus, as much as I try to push thoughts of Kai away, the more I drink, the more I can’t stop thinking about what Sophie and I talked about. She trusted me to bring it up, but I’ve been avoiding it—trying not to think about what it would mean to open that door after everything that happened seventeen years ago.
Orion sighs. “It doesn’t seem that complicated to me.” His tone isn’t arrogant. It’s matter-of-fact. “At least from what I’ve inferred. Maybe you should talk to him. It seems like something’s still bothering you, and in my experience, those feelings only fester the longer you wait.”
I nod as I gesture for another whiskey, and the bartender brings it right over. I swallow it in one long sip. It’s only then that I realize I probably should’ve eaten dinner before drinking. Setting the empty glass down harder than I mean to.
“Something happened. Seventeen years ago. And then he walked away like a coward.”
I keep it vague. Kai needs to be the one to tell his brothers, not me.
Orion raises an eyebrow, surprised. But then his expression softens almost immediately, like he’s piecing something together.
“Ah. That makes sense now.”
I glare at him, bristling at his calm response. “It does?”
“Come on,” he says, cracking a grin. “You and Kai were inseparable. Do you really think none of us noticed when it all fell apart? I don’t think I saw Kai smile for at least a year. He never talked about it, but we could tell something had changed.”
“Well, brooding is practically a family sport, isn’t it?” I tease, masking the way that information makes me feel.
Orion huffs a laugh, but he wants for me to continue. I look away, feeling drunk and like I want to confess everything to Kai’s brother. I never let myself think of how Kai handled whathappened. I figured he’d walked away, so he likely brushed it off. But now that I know it seemed to affect him as much as it affected me?
I don’t know what to do with that information, and I don’t know how to reply.
I catch myself tapping my wedding band against the glass again. I stop when Orion’s gaze flicks to it, and I pretend I wasn’t just sitting here unraveling like some lovesick teenager.
“Does Sophie know? About what happened?” Orion asks, and again, his tone isn’t judgmental. For whatever reason, I feel at ease with Kai’s youngest brother.
“She does.” I don’t elaborate—it’s not important, not really. “Sophie and I…” I pause, trying to figure out how to word what I’m trying to say.
Orion chuckles. “I know everything that happens at my club, Julian. I know all about the arrangement you and Sophie have.”
I trace the rim of my glass with my index finger. “Right. Well, things got complicated, and now…”
I flinch. Orion continues to listen, and it feels good to talk to someone about this. “It’s not just Sophie. I want it, too. Or at least I think I do. I’m just… I don’t know. I’ve been carrying this unresolved knot of feelings for years—anger, embarrassment, longing—all wrapped up in our complicated history. And now, with Kai and Sophie… the knot is pulling tighter, and…”
“You’re scared,” Orion finishes, sipping his water.
I shrug. “I suppose I am.”
Orion sighs. “Look, I know my brother. Kai’s not the same person he was back then, and neither are you. If there’s even a chance you’re still holding on to those feelings, he deserves to know.”
