Page 44 of The Sky Beneath Us
The water is perfectly clear. I see a shoal of tiny fish dart underSkylark’s hull and decide to go for a swim, stripping down to my T-shirt and underwear. ‘You coming in?’ I ask Jack, but he shakes his head awkwardly and turns away, busying himself with retying a fender rope that doesn’t look to me like it needs it.
‘I’ll get a few things sorted here.’
It’s funny, we’ve swum together thousands of times before, but this time he seems oddly self-conscious.
I gasp as I immerse myself, gingerly, in the cold salt sea. Then I let go of the ladder and give myself to it. My body quickly adjusts to the chill, and I strike out towards a nearby rock. Suddenly, I realise I’m not alone. The dark head of a young seal bobs up out of the water ahead of me and the creature watches me with its luminous eyes, no doubt curious about this trespasser in its territory. Once it’s decided I’m no threat, it seems in the mood to play. It dives, its body arcing sleekly as it disappears beneath the surface, then reappears behind me, following back and forth as I swim in the channel of light cast by the evening sun. It’ll soon be the longest day of the year and the sun won’t set here until past ten o’clock.
Eventually, the seal grows bored of the game and disappears back out into the deeper water. I’m shivering by the time I haul myself back on to the boat.
Once I’ve changed, I go up on deck again, clipping the tendrils of my damp hair into a twist at the nape of my neck. Jack’s set out cutlery, wine glasses and a dish of grated Parmesan. I sip my wine and watch a pair of oystercatchers busily making a nest among the stones on the shore, calling to one another as they do so.
‘Dinner is served.’ Jack passes me a bowl of pasta and then brings his own, sitting down beside me on the locker that serves as a bench.
We eat in silence for a minute or two, savouring the good food and wine, and then I say, ‘What do you think you’ll do next, Jack, now you have your own boat? Will you go back to skippering charters in the Caribbean, once the world gets back on its feet again?’
He shakes his head, twisting a mouthful of spaghetti on to his fork. ‘Been there, done that now. It was only ever a means to an end, really, until I’d saved enough to be able to buy a yacht of my own.’
‘So will you stay put on Loch Ewe, do you think?’
‘Most probably. I’ll see.Skylarkwill need to earn her keep, so I’ll probably do some charters out of one of the marinas near Oban. That’s where most of the business is. But in between I think I’ll be spending more time back home.’
‘Funny, isn’t it, how we both still call Aultbea home? Even though neither of us has lived there for years.’
‘Home’s where family is,’ he replies with a shrug. ‘Always has been, always will be. The pandemic’s made me see that. And what about you, Daisy? How long do you think you’ll stay before you head back south?’
I shrug. ‘My job isn’t exactly essential and I can’t do it working from home. So it’s all up in the air at the moment. I’ve been thinking perhaps it’s time for a change.’ The thought of returning to my empty flat in London fills me with dread, so I quickly take anothersip of wine and deflect the conversation back on to Jack. ‘Won’t you find it a bit too quiet at home, leaving behind your glitzy lifestyle?’
He shakes his head, his expression serious. He hesitates. The big brother figure I’ve known all my life looks a little unsure of himself for once.
‘Daisy,’ he starts, then stops again and takes a gulp from his wine glass, as if for courage. ‘I’ve had a lot of time on my own to do some thinking over the past months. The pandemic, your mum getting ill, then losing Davy ... it all made me realise how important it is to say things before it’s too late. So I’m just going to put this out there. And you don’t have to say a thing, if you don’t want to. Because there’s no pressure. And you might not feel the same way. And if you don’t, then that’s okay ...’
Watching him struggle to get the words out, seeing how serious his expression is, I set down my fork and take his hands in mine. ‘What is it? You know you can tell me anything, Jack. You’ve always been the big brother I never had.’
He shakes his head. ‘Well, that’s just the problem, Daisy. You see, I don’t really want to be your big brother. Never have done. And I was too young and too stupid to tell you that when I had the chance and then you went off and got married and had your girls. When you got divorced, I thought now’s my chance. But you were too sad and too lost, and I felt I had nothing to offer you. I needed to make something of myself, for myself. But everything is different now. You seem so much happier, like you’ve got your old self back again. Like you’ve regained everything that was taken from you and mended the things that were broken.’
He raises his eyes to mine and they’re full of an honesty that’s so raw, so unguarded, that I know how important it is for him to say these things. I nod, recognising the truth in his words.
Looking a little encouraged, he continues. ‘If there’s one thing this virus has taught us all, it’s that life is uncertain. And tomorrowwe’ll be surrounded by our families and that’ll be great, but if I don’t say this now, I probably never will. So here goes nothing ... I’ve loved you forever, Daisy. And I wonder if you could ever feel the same way about me.’
The silence that follows is absolute. There’s not even the faintest sigh of wind to stir the surface of the water, not a peep from the oystercatchers on the shore, not a creak fromSkylark’s rigging. It’s as if everything is holding its breath, waiting to see what will happen next.
SILENT = LISTEN.
Is it as easy as this? A simple question of shifting my perspective? Of rearranging the letters to make a new meaning?
Jack sees me differently: not as a sister or just a friend. I find I’m looking at him with new eyes, too.
THE EYES: THEY SEE.
The world has changed – in so many ways – and perhaps I’ve been wrong about everything I ever thought I knew.
WRONG = GROWN.
Themi was right. When our hearts break wide open, there’s the possibility of a transformation. The birth of a new future. One we’ve created for ourselves. One we really want.
I smile into Jack’s handsome, familiar face, which is currently fixed in an expression of such a mixture of fear and hope it makes my broken-open heart do a somersault. I hadn’t realised it could still do that at its age, after all these years, after everything that’s happened to it.
Suddenly, I know what I really want. I want him.
