Page 90 of I Knew You
His expression fell. “I went back that night.”
I froze, my heart racing. He stayed rooted in his spot in the doorway. “I came back for you. I was a coward to leave you. No matter what you threatened, I never should have done it. But when I got back to the scene, the ambulance had come and gone. I was turning myself in to the cops when my father showed up. He paid them not to arrest me, and then he dropped the bomb that I only had a football scholarship to lose because he bought one for me.”
I mulled that over for a minute before responding, the air thick with tension.
“You came back for me. Knowing you’d get in trouble...”
He nodded. “Yeah. I did. But I’m not proud of what I did. I never should have left.”
“You earned that scholarship; it was all you. Vince is lying.”
He sighed. “He told me?—”
“I watched you play,” I interrupted. “You were magnificent. Even Whit knew that.”
“Yeah, well…” Bram replied, shrugging, “I heard that unprompted from my old high school coach, too, not long ago. But I don’t know the truth. And I’ve had to live with the fact that the future I thought I created by myself was a lie bought by my sperm donor.”
The gravity of his words weighed on me like a thick blanket.
“And he warned you off me? Why? What was I to him?”
Bram’s eyes again met mine, and extreme sadness swarmed in his dark irises.
“He did tell me to stay away from you,” he replied, unflinching. “He hated the link I had to Grams, and to you and Whit. Hated that I had another family and a parent who was so much better than he could ever be. He told me you couldn’t be a part of my future, or he’d revoke the scholarship.” His eyes fell to the floor.
Of course, I understood, but I’d suffered so much.
If only you had told me.
I had no idea what to say or think. My heart was wholly conflicted, my thoughts erratically organized. He walked toward me.
“No,” I said and held my hand up. He stopped in his tracks, his face paling. “I don’t want you near me right now. I’m absorbing.”
“But I can’t be apart from you, not like this. I love you. I always have, and I think you know that.”
Something that should have been shrouded in joy and celebration felt lackluster under the circumstances. I’d waited so long to hear those words from Bram, and I had to listen to them right after realizing he hadn’t chosen me. Anger flared deep inside me.
“I can’t believe you’d say that right now.”
“Why? It’s true." He was genuinely confused, but I was livid.
“When will you get it through your thick skull that you could have been with methis whole time,but chose not to? Youchosethat. It’s been fifteen years, Bram.” I let my emotions flow out. “Why are you acting like you saved me from some terrible demise by not telling me all this? Like you were helping me by lying and leaving me to think you didn’t care at all?”
“You want to know why? Look at this, Julianna,” he shouted passionately, his hands gesturing between us. “This is what I do. I hurt. I ruin. I am defective. My dad knows it. My mom knows it. Whit knows it. Even Grams knew it, and she tried to fix me.”
“She wasn’t trying to fix you, dumbass. She loved you! She was trying to give you a family and show you what that meant. My only solace is that she died not knowing she failed so miserably.”
I regretted the words as soon as they left my lips, but there was no taking them back. Bram put his head in his hands, but it didn’t deter me from continuing, “You were all I wanted for so long. Despite the good and bad, I knew what you kept out of sight.” I pointed at myself forcefully. “You think it’s easier to hate yourself now than to accept that you’re not perfect, that you can still be loved and forgiven. We could have fixed it together if you’d explained it to me. But you didn’t, so now all that’s left is forgiveness. We can’t go back in time and change our choices. Am I hurt that you didn’t choose me? Yes, obviously, how can I not be? But I want to forgive you.”
“I’ll never forgive myself for what I did to you that night,” he said firmly, his gaze coming back up to meet mine. My heart twisted. “I’ve tried, but I can’t. And right here, you crying like this, again, because of me…it’s too much.”
“Quit thinking about yourself for five seconds.”
“I’ve never thought about myself. I’ve only ever thought about you.”
I could see confusion burning in his gaze. He couldn’t figure out why I was becoming so upset. Maybe I didn’t either. But I was determined to try to explain it in a way he could understand.
“Have you loved anyone else?” I asked him. “You say you loved me all this time and only thought of me. Has there been anyone else?”
