Page 92 of I Knew You
“That was all…a lot,” she said.
“I know,” I replied.
She took a deep breath. “I’m going to say this with all the love in my heart, okay?”
I nodded but recoiled as she leaned over me and swatted at my arms. “Are you crazy?!” she cried. “Do you have at least one self-destruct button you haven’t pushed yet? Substance abuse, maybe?”
“Ow! That’s not funny,” I grumbled, holding my arm where a particular slap had stung.
“No, it’s not,” she agreed, standing behind the counter again. She adjusted her shirt, which had ridden up slightly with her attack. “You’ve built yourself a prison, locked yourself inside it, and mourned your existence for years. When the whole time you could have been free.
“Even now, you could be there in that house with her, waiting for her to calm down, trying to have a constructive conversation. But you aren’t. Instead, you’re here with your sister, bemoaning your life. You have no idea how frustrating it is to watch this happen to someone you love. To see them be their own worst enemy. Especially someone like you, who gives so much of themselves away for the greater good.”
Did she have a point? I shook my head. “Our dad made my prison.”
“That’s bullshit. It was all you. You took the easiest road in your grief and disappointment instead of fighting for what you wanted. Our dad is a psychopath and a cheater. You can’t change him. He can’t be trusted, so quit giving him power. Own your mistakes. Apologize. Move on and get out of the damn prison. Julianna doesn’t hate you. She’s confused and hurt because you never truly claimed her. You made her feel disposable, first by leaving her on the fucking side of the road, and then in the hospital, and then never coming for her after that. No woman wants that.”
“My concern was for her, not myself.”
“You should have told her you came back for her that night immediately. You should have told her our father forbade you to be with her, Bram. You should have told her all that, instead of letting her think you didn’t care.”
I sighed. “I know.”
Melanie made sense, but I couldn’t grasp the hope that came with what she said.
“It’s too late now,” I mumbled, sipping the coffee this time. “I waited too long.”
“She held out her heart to you a long time ago, and you crushed it.” Melanie reached over and put her hand over mine on the cool granite. “And now she’s back in your life so many years later, living in your house,marriedto you, and you’re still holding back. How many chances do you need?“
I shook my head.
“Julianna’s back problems were my fault. She says it was the deer that made us wreck, that it was unavoidable. And she says repetitively that she was no worse off because I left her that night. But the facts remain—I put her at risk and then I ran away in fear, and those two things are beyond forgiveness.”
Melanie shook her head, pain etched in her features. “You were a kid, Bram. And you came back for her. And, you just said the most important part. She knew you didn’t mean to hurt her. She’s taken responsibility for her end of that night, too.”
I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. “But I can’t forgive myself.”
Mel’s eyes narrowed on me. “So, what’s more important to you? Your misery or Julianna’s? Because every time you say you can’t forgive yourself, even though she’s forgiven you, you diminish her worth. You tell her that your opinion of yourself is more important than her opinion of you. Are you okay with that?”
“But that’s not true.” A protective gruffness wove into my words, and Melanie smiled slightly.
“Then act like it. Quit holding back. She’s put it all on the line more than once. Now, it’s your turn.”
The coffee wascold by the time Mel and I finished talking. Looking down at my phone, I panicked and saw it was nearing nine pm.
“Shit. Her best friend was coming in tonight,” I explained while grabbing my keys. “I was supposed to drive her to Grams’ house before eight.”
“Seriously?” She rolled her eyes. “Men.”
My sister followed me to the front door of her apartment.“Ifyou decide to take another day off work tomorrow, I can do whatever needs to be done.”
I shook my head. “I have to come back to the office. It’ll be too lonely without Julianna around.”
“Is she coming back to stay with you when her friend leaves?” Melanie leaned against the doorframe, and I paused.
“I’m not sure,” I replied, running a hand down my face. “I didn’t think she would ever come back, but now I don’t know about anything. Not until I get to talk to her about everything calmly.”
“Just stay home tomorrow.”
