Page 99 of I Knew You
“For avoiding you over the years,” I said, my voice shaky.
“Stop,” he commanded. “Stop it right there. Us drifting apart was not your fault. I’m not sure you know how messed up I was after Grams died. There’s no excuse, but there’s so much I never told you.”
“I think you hated taking care of me.”
He sighed loudly. “You’re right, I did. But it was only that I was young and frustrated. I was failing in school because I couldn’t grasp anything online. I tried to dull the pain of losing Grams with any substance I could get by with. Amazing that I didn’t get caught. Bram and I only stayed friends because he wouldn’t give up on me.
“I wanted to run right after Grams’ funeral, but I couldn’t because I knew you were counting on me. But then I couldn’t look you in the face, so I stayed gone from the house all the time. I felt pressure because of my scholarship. I felt pressure because of the responsibility I had for you and the regret of leaving you alone the night you wrecked the truck. I was depressed. I wanted to lie down and die, get rid of the pain. It was horrible.”
I continued to listen, unable to hold back tears.
“And when you stopped talking to me, and Bram got hurtand left college, it all became so much worse. Football was my only saving grace.” I heard him swallow hard. “We changed head coaches the year before I went into the NFL draft. That man changed my life. He got me back where I needed to be. I still carry a lot of it around with me, though. I know I hurt you, and I’m so fucking sorry.”
“We’ve all made mistakes, Whit,” I soothed, hearing the panic in his voice. “I should have told you how I felt long ago. I miss you. I’ve always missed being close to you.”
I heard him sniffle. “I’ve missed you, too,” he said, and then chuckled a little. “I can’t remember the last time I cried. I’ve got to get it together before someone walks in here and catches me. Not a good look.”
“I wish I could hug you right now,” I replied, a smile on my face.
“Me too. But I’m kinda glad we talked like this, so it won’t be so awkward when I get into town to see you in a couple of weeks. I’ve got to leave for a charity auction in a few minutes, but I’ll be free after that. Can I text you?”
“Anytime,” I said. “I’ll reply.”
“And I don’t know what happened with you and Bram, but if you want to talk later, we can. He’s in love with you, you know.”
My heart flipped in my chest. “How do you know that?”
“He’s been carrying a torch for you for a long time, Jules. That’s why I said it was dangerous for him. No offense, but it’s been ridiculous. The number of times I’ve had to drag his drunken ass home with him mumbling your name…I’d be embarrassed if I were him.”
So what Bram had been saying was true? He missed me for years? Some small flame of hope lit inside of me.
“So he didn’t forget me? I mean, he never got in touch with me. And he still dated around all these years.”
“Yeah. On and off. Nothing became serious, though. There was always an issue.”
“What’s that?” My heart hammered in my chest.
“None of them were you.”
My face lit up as tears sprang to my eyes. Whit was oblivious to my roller coaster of emotions as he continued, “You guys will get it straightened out, I’m sure. Do you still not like Grams’ house? If you’re uncomfortable there, I can put you and your friend up somewhere else. It won’t be an issue. I can arrange for someone to move your things for you. Someone who isn’t Bram.”
I looked around. Inside the house was different from our childhood, but I noticed a few things that were the same as in the past: the arch of the doorways, the beam across the ceiling above me, and the picture window where Grams’ enormous Christmas tree was set up every year.
Things were different, but the bones of the home remained. This was stillourhouse. Just because it had been upgraded and rearranged didn’t mean it wasn’t still her at the core.
I smiled. “No, I like it here,” I said quietly. “I was wrong before, Whit. She’s still here.”
Kallie forcedme to wear acceptable clothes and wash my hair. She had never been to Mill Creek, and so she pushed me into the car with her and made me show her around town, including all the places from my childhood. As we passed the high school, I pointed out all the little spaces and small memories I had of my teenage years. We drove around the corner of the school, and the new stadium-like football field came into view.
“Whoa,” she breathed out. “Are they professional here?”
“You would think. It was built with funds from manywealthy donors a few years ago. Football is a big deal at this school. It always has been.”
“Does Bram coach or anything?”
I debated for half a second whether or not to tell details of Bram’s life, but I knew my best friend was a steel trap.
“No. He’s been asked to take over for the retiring head coach. I don’t know if he will take on that responsibility since he already has a pretty important day job. But who knows? I think he wants to. But don’t tell anyone that.”
