Page 138 of Through My Window
What am I doing?
I may not be able to trust him so easily, but I can forgive him. There’s no room in my heart for a grudge.
Without much thought, I grab my coat and follow my heart. I run out of Helena’s house and the cold of the newly arrived winter hits me, but I run down the sidewalk, waving and wishing happy New Year to everyone I meet along the way. Christmas lights decorate the street and the trees in the gardens in front of the houses. There are children playing with sparklers and others making snowballs to throw. The view is beautiful, and I realize that sometimes we get so focused on our problems that we don’t see the beauty of simple things.
Hugging myself, I start walking faster. I can’t run through the snow, I don’t want to slip and break any bones; that would be pathetic. My foot gets buried in a pile of snow and I shake it off to continue, but when I look up, I freeze.
Joshua.
With his long black coat, a black cap, and his glasses slightly fogged by the cold. I say nothing and just run to him, forgetting the snow, the problems, the emotional scars, I just want to hug him.
And I do, linking my hands around his neck and pulling him tight against me. I smell the scent of that soft cologne he always wears, and it fills me and soothes me.
“Happy New Year, you idiot,” I growl against his neck. He laughs.
“Happy New Year, Rochi.”
“I miss you so much,” I murmur.
He presses me against his chest.
“I miss you too. You have no idea.”
No.
That’s not what happened.
No matter how much I wished that had happened, it won’t change the reality.
Reality is me running through the snow with tears on my cheeks, with no coat, and clutching my cell phone so tightly in my hand that it might break. My lungs burn from the cold air, but I don’t care. My mother runs after me, yelling at me to calm down, to stop, to put on my coat, but I don’t care.
I can’t breathe properly.
I still remember how quickly my smile faded when I got the call. Joshua’s mother sounded inconsolable.
“Joshua . . . attempted . . . suicide.”
They didn’t know if he was going to survive, his pulse was so weak.
No, no, no. Joshua, no.
Everything begins to flash before my eyes. What did I do wrong? Where did I fail? Why, Joshua? Guilt was the first feeling to fill my heart. It had never, ever crossed my mind that he could do something like this. He didn’t look depressed, he didn’t . . . I . . .
Arriving at his house, the ambulance speeds past me, and I fall to my knees in the snow. Joshua’s neighbors come over and put a coat over me. I clutch my chest, breathing heavily. My mother hugs me from behind.
“It’s okay, sweetie. It’s okay, he’ll be okay.”
“Mommy, I. . . . It’s my fault. . . . I stopped talking to him. . . . He . . . ” I can’t breathe, and I can’t stop crying.
The taxi ride to the hospital is silent, except for the sound of my sobs. With my head on my mother’s lap, I pray. I pray that he survives. This is not supposed to happen. This is a nightmare. My best friend couldn’t have done that, my Yoshi . . .
Arriving at the emergency room, I run over to his parents. They look devastated. Their eyes are swollen, and the pain is evident on their faces. As soon as they see me, they burst into tears. I join them, hugging them.
Wiping away my tears, I softly push away.
“What happened?”
His mother shakes her head.
