Page 132 of Through You
“We’re both adults who knew what we were doing. Even though you’re on the pill, we knew there was a risk of getting pregnant if we had unprotected sex. No one is to blame here.”
She looks away. This is the first time I’ve seen her look so vulnerable.
She’s afraid.This situation is probably as much of a surprise to her as it is to me. I glance at her stomach and suddenly heat spreads inside my chest. And the shock is replaced with a feeling of warmth.
Claudia is pregnant. My child is growing inside her. I’m goingbe a father.
Me? Someone’s father? How can that be possible when I’m a disaster? After many years, I’ve just barely started to mend the relationship I have with my own father. My immediate plans didn’t include a baby. But if it’s with her, the woman I’ve always loved, it must be a good thing. After all, it’s always been her for me.
“Claudia.”
She looks at me, and I give her a genuine smile.
“Everything is going to be okay,” I promise her as I move closer. The warmth I feel in my chest spreads all over. And I’m assailed by a volley of unruly emotions now that I’ve fully processed the news. “I know this is something we didn’t plan, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that knowing I’m going to be a father makes me very happy.” I cradle her face with my hands. “For me, it has and will always be you, Claudia.”
Her eyes fill with tears, and I can tell she’s struggling to keep them from falling. I know she doesn’t like to cry, always fighting to maintain the remarkable fortitude that’s part of her character.
So I have to help her see that it’s okay to be vulnerable and scared.
“I—” Her voice breaks. “I had so many plans, I had things I wanted to accomplish, wanted to improve about myself before I had a baby,” she confesses. “Because I never want a child to go through what I experienced.”
This breaks my heart.
“And that won’t happen, Claudia. You are not alone.” She closes her eyes, and two fat tears roll down her cheeks. “Hey.
Look at me.” She opens her bloodshot eyes. “You are not alone. I am here by your side, just like always.”
“I’m so afraid, Artemis.” Her lips tremble as she cries. “I didn’t expect something like this—a baby, a life, someone I could mess up if I don’t get it right . . . and I’ve always been terrified of giving birth. And . . .”
“Hey, hey.” I try to calm her down. “Let’s take one step at a time, okay? Put one foot in front of the other,” I tell her, wiping away her tears with my thumbs. “I’m here, and everything is going to be fine. I’ll take care of you and our baby, Claudia. Do you trust me?”
She nods.
“So trust me when I say that everything is going to be fine.
And I’m going to be here every step of the way. Because I love you like I never imagined I could ever love someone. And I’m certain that I’ll love this baby even more.”
“What if we mess it up? What if we’re not good parents?” She shares all her fears, and I’m glad she’s able to share these emotions with me. “And what if something goes wrong? I’ve got so many fears and traumas. How can I be responsible for another human being? Me, who can’t even say I love you without having my stomach churn, thinking back to all the men who said it to my mother.”
It brings some peace to know the reason she hasn’t said it back. She needs time, and I’ll give it to her. I lean in and kiss her softly, tasting the salty tears on her lips. I smile at her when I pull away.
“Let me say it for both of us. I love you, Claudia.” I look at her.
“And I know you love me, too, dummy.”
She gives me a half smile through her tears. “And you’re dumber than I am.”
I return her smile and kiss her forehead before wrapping her in my arms. She buries her face in my chest.
“Everything is going to be fine, Claudia,” I promise once again, and I don’t mind repeating it because I know how much she needs to hear it.
“I still can’t believe it,” she whispers against my chest.
“Neither can I,” I admit.
“Promise me we won’t screw this up. That regardless of what may happen between us, this baby will always be our first priority.
Promise me that we will put their well-being above all else.”
