Page 21 of Follow My Voice
A few minutes later, Paula comes to get them and I cuddle them each one last time before she takes the pups home. As I say goodbye and close the door, my phone vibrates. Excited, I quickly open the message.
Kamila:Andy and I are getting dinner out, we’ll be back in a few hours.
I’m disappointed. Kang is not going to message me.
I take a shower to pass the time, enjoying the hot water washing over me as I think about my first day of college and what classes I will take. But, as I’m rinsing my hair, my chest constricts. I try to take a deep breath, but I can’t. It feels like I have something lodged in my throat, preventing me from breathing. Fear courses through my veins, my heart races, my arms and legs begin to go numb.
I can’t breathe. I’m alone. There’s no one here to help me.
Heat spreads to my face and now I’m suffocating. I turn off the water, wrap a towel around my body, and step out of the shower.
I’m going to die. No. No.
I pick up my phone, but my hands are shaking so badly that I can barely see the screen as I struggle to call Kamila. Before my sister has a chance to say anything, I pant desperately into the phone: “I… can’t… breathe.”
“K?”
Kang’s voice on the other end of the line takes me by complete surprise. “I…”
“K? Are you all right?”
“No… I…” Tears flood my eyes. “I’m scared… I can’t breathe.”
“Why? Are you sick? What’s the matter?”
“I…” I’m short of breath. “I… panic attack.” My speech is incoherent. “Do you know what that is…? I… My chest hurts.”
“I do know what a panic attack is.” Kang’s voice becomes softer. “It’s going to pass, K. I’ll stay with you until it does.”
“I’m so scared…” My voice breaks. I don’t know why I’m telling Kang this, but he’s the only person I have and his voice in my ear is soothing.
“I’m here with you, K. You’ll feel better soon, you’ll see.”
Thick tears roll down my cheeks. “I can’t breathe.”
“Yes, you can, K. What you’re feeling right now is going to pass and you’re going to feel good again.”
“No! That’s not true. I think I’m having a heart attack.”
“That’s not going to happen, I promise. I’m right here, K. I’ll help you through this. Try to breathe with me, think of something else while this panic attack passes… Do you realize the leaves will start changing colors soon? Don’t you love the way the wind blows them gently from the branches, how they dance in the air until they reach the ground?” There’s something about how he says his words that I find calming. My chest rises and falls rapidly as I listen to him. He keeps speaking. “I want you to think about the fall, K. Close your eyes. I want you to remember how the colorful autumn leaves float softly to the ground… Are you visualizing it?”
I close my eyes. “Yes.”
“Now, every time you see a leaf fall, take a deep breath… Remember that you’re the one imagining it and the leaves can fall at whatever pace you need them to.”
I listen to him and follow his advice. After a while, I don’t know how long, the panic attack, little by little, begins to dissipate and my breathing returns to normal.
“Kang.”
“That’s the first time you’ve said my name—I like the way it sounds when you say it. You have a very nice voice, K.”
My heart is still beating quickly, but at least I can breathe now. “I… I don’t know what to say…”
“You don’t have to say anything. Are you feeling better?”
“Yes, thank you… for… You must think I’m…”
“Stop. I’m glad I could help.”
