Page 15 of Follow My Voice
Andy is a lawyer and has just started his own law firm with a couple friends from law school. He’s been a little stressed, but he assures us it’s nothing he can’t handle. But when the conversation switches to community college, it’s me who begins to wonder if it’s somethingIcan handle. My mind starts spinning with every possible thing that could go wrong, and I feel my heart starting to accelerate. I can’t help but excuse myself, pretending I’d like to get a head start and look at possible college courses. I don’t want to burst Kamila’s bubble, even though by the way she’s looking at me, I can tell she’s already worried. She’s about to say something, no doubt ask me if I’m okay, but I stand and wish them a good night.
When I get back to my room, I nervously check my phone in hopes of finding a text from Kang: zero messages. I toss it onto the bed; what did I expect? I demanded that Kang confirm his identity and now that he has, am I supposed to text him? I’m not going to.
I sit on the bed, stretch out my legs, and pick up my laptop. I navigate to the webpage I use to watch my favorite K-dramas and click on an episode, but I can’t concentrate, constantly glancing at my phone. It would be better for everyone if Kang just never messaged me again, a sign for me to come to my senses and stop feeding these impossible delusions. He wrote to me because he doesn’t know how messed up I am. It was simple curiosity, as he himself said.
It’s late now, almost eleven o’clock, and I know he’s not going to text me tonight. Why does it make me so sad?
You’re an idiot, Klara. Don’t get your hopes up, don’t expect anything from him. That’s the only way to keep yourself safe.
That’s what I’ll do. Everything will be fine.
My phone buzzes, announcing a new message, and all my previous thoughts go out the window, because I know it can only be him. No one ever texts me, with the exception of Kamila and Andy, and they’re home, so they would come to my room if they had something to tell me. I pause the Korean drama and open the message.
Kang:Are you there?
Me:Yes.
Kang:Forgive me for writing so late.
Me:No big deal.
Kang:I got tired of waiting for you to text me.
Me:Was I supposed to?
Kang:I thought you would after I confirmed my identity.
Me:Oh, sorry…
Kang:Am I bothering you, K? If so, just tell me. I’ll understand.
I hesitate for a moment. If I say yes, he’ll stop texting me and my heart will be safe; if I say no, we’ll keep talking and I know my interest in him will only grow.
What should I do?
My finger scrolls up and down the screen, scanning through the conversation with Kang as I try to make a decision. I have to stay inside my safe zone. I’m not sure it’s a good idea to keep talking to him since I’ll never be able to get to know him in person.
Gritting my teeth, I prepare to lie and tell him that he is indeed bothering me.
“We should all live as if we were going to die tomorrow; we would have much fuller lives if we didn’t assume we had all the time in the world.”My mother’s sweet voice echoes in my mind. No one knows better than I do that we don’t have all the time in the world. Before I have a chance to regret it, I respond.
Me:No, you’re not bothering me.
Kang:Sweet :) What’s your name?
Me:Just call me K.
Kang:You’re shy, aren’t you?
Me:I guess so.
Kang:Well, what are you doing up so late, K?
Me:I was watching a Korean drama.
Kang:Why does that not surprise me?
Me:What do you mean?
