Page 90 of Follow My Voice
I take another step toward her, pointing at her. “My brother is dead! Because of you!”
“Kang…” the nurse behind me starts to say, but the doctor raises a hand.
Why doesn’t she say anything?
“You could’ve saved him! You could’ve…” I choke on the sobs stuck in my throat. “I just left his funeral. I had to say goodbye to him… He was only twenty, he…” I pause, struggling to breathe. “I couldn’t save him. I… I did what I could, but… If only you had seen him that day, if only…” I take a step back, wiping my tears. “If only…” I rub my chest, pain coursing through my body just as it did the day I found Jung dead in his room. “You could’ve saved him, and I didn’t do enough, and now I can’t do anything, because he’s dead…” I say through the tears. My knees give out and I crumble to the ground. “He… there’s nothing I can do now; it’s too late.”
The doctor hands her coffee to the nurse and sits down in front of me. There is evident sadness in her expression, but at the same time she transmits so much peace. “You can cry, scream, insult me,” she says. “It’s okay, Kang. It’s okay to express what you’re feeling. And if anger is the predominant emotion in your heart right now, I want you to know that it’s completely normal. All that pain, rage, helplessness, and guilt are completely normal, Kang.”
“How can you be so calm when my brother is dead because of you? You wouldn’t see him that day and he’d be alive if you’d done your job.” My words are fueled by anger. “Why didn’t you just do your job that day?! Why?!”
“I wasn’t at the hospital, Kang. I wasn’t on call. If I had been here, I’m sure I would’ve fit him in…”
“Excuses! They called you and you decided not to come, didn’t you?”
“Not this time, Kang.”
“Bullshit!”
She sighs, her eyes reddening slightly. “My mother died that week.”
At her words, it’s as if a bucket of cold water has doused my anger, cooling it down immediately.
The doctor takes a deep breath to keep herself from crying. “Butthat’s not important right now. Would you like to come into my office for a while?” she asks.
I feel like shit. “I’m sorry… I… I don’t know what I’m doing… I’m so sorry… I don’t know what I was thinking coming here. I just…”
She puts a hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay, Kang.” She rubs my back gently. “I’m very sorry about your brother’s death, and if it’s okay with you, I’d like to help you deal with all this.”
I shake my head, silently crying. “That’s not why I came.”
“Maybe not, but since you’re here, I think it would do you good to talk to someone.”
“I don’t even have an appointment.”
“Don’t worry about that—if I tell you I have time to talk, it’s because I do.” She stands up and offers me a hand.
I hesitate, but then Jung’s sad face flashes in my mind and I think about how different everything would’ve been if he’d gotten help when he needed it. So I take the doctor’s hand and follow her into her office.
Dr. Rodríguez was my psychiatrist for the year it took me to process my grief. And she became very special to me. I’m eternally grateful to her, but I didn’t want to see her in front of Klara; at least not until Klara heard the story from my mouth.
I wish I didn’t have to tell Klara such a tragic tale on our first date, but sooner or later she’ll want to introduce me to her sister, so it’s better that she knows.
I take a deep breath. “My older brother Jung died by suicide.”
Klara opens her mouth and reaches across the table to take my hand. “I’m so sorry, Kang.”
“My father didn’t believe in depression, in anything to do with mental health. He said it was all a matter of willpower.” It feels good to talk about this without wanting to cry. “He wouldn’t let my brother see a therapist, even though he was suffering from a deep depression after a car accident. I thought I could save him.”I smile sadly to myself. “I guess we always want to be heroes for the people we love.”
Klara squeezes my hand gently.
“One day, Jung couldn’t take it anymore and he took his own life.” I need another deep breath to continue. “It tore me apart. I… I can’t explain in words the pain I felt, that I still feel. I loved my brother with all my heart—we were very close. It was an extremely difficult time for me.”
“I can’t even imagine, Kang, I’m so sorry.” Klara’s voice transmits calm.
“Look at me, telling you all this on our first date… I’d totally understand if you didn’t want to see me ever again,” I joke, trying to alleviate the tension caused by my confession. The truth is that my heart wouldn’t be able to take it if she didn’t want to see me again. I study her, searching her small face for any sign of rejection, but I find only a reassuring smile.
She shakes her head. “Thank you for being willing to tell me what happened to your brother,” she says.
