Page 94 of Follow My Voice
I take the last sip of my Coke. “I love that idea.”
Kang sighs. “I already have our next date planned. We’re going to Carowinds. How about Saturday?”
The smile fades from my face. Carowinds is a popularamusement park a few hours away. Kang talks excitedly about all the rides he wants to go on. The joy in his voice is so evident that I don’t dare interrupt. “What do you think?” he asks.
“It’s…” I don’t know how to vocalize my fear of an amusement park. “I don’t know… I’ll think about it.”
“Oh.” His voice betrays his disappointment and I feel bad for not being able to match his enthusiasm. “You’re right, I’m sorry, I made plans without running them by you.”
“No, it’s fine, it’s just…”
“We can do something else, it’s no big deal.”
“It’s okay. You just took me by surprise, that’s all.”
“We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for, Klara. You know that, right?” He sounds reassuring, and I hate that I have taken his excitement away.
“I know.” I sigh. “Let’s talk about this tomorrow. I’ve had my head deep in textbooks all day. I’m a little tired.”
“All right. Good night, Klara.”
“Good night, Kang.”
We hang up, but I continue to replay the conversation. I stare out the window of my dark room, sadness running through me, for quite a while. Kang has so many things he’s passionate about, so many things he’d like to do. Will I limit him? That’s the last thing I want. I’d like to be able to share in his passions and interests. I couldn’t handle the idea of going to Charlotte to support him for the talent show, and now I can’t handle the idea of the amusement park. Yes, it’s just a theme park for now, but is this what’s in store for us? Is this what we will look like moving forward? I didn’t consider how all my fears could limit our experiences together. I guess the small progress I’ve made clouded my judgment. Either way, he doesn’t deserve that. Maybe I rushed into a relationship without looking at the bigger picture.
I’m crazy about Kang and I care about him too much to want to be an obstacle in his way. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but myanxiety is through the roof as I go over a million possible scenarios.
Unable to fall asleep, I conjure Dr. B.’s words to calm my mind and stop this cycle of negative thoughts. Even if I manage to get to sleep tonight, I know that a part of me will still harbor these doubts.
Days turn into weeks, and before I know it, Thanksgiving break comes and goes in the blink of an eye. After my movie date with Kang, I try to go out without a wig on every date—movies, coffee, dinner, a regular park (not an amusement park), my favorite bookstore—and it eventually leads to walking around without one at home. As the days go by, I grow more confident in letting it go, especially with Kamila and Andy encouraging me over Thanksgiving dinner to try it out on campus.
But now, standing just outside the main entrance, hiding behind a small tree and biting my nails, I immediately feel like I’ve made a mistake—I’m even considering calling Kamila to come back and get me. What if Yana starts harassing me? Even though she’s left Ellie and me alone so far, maybe she’s been waiting for the perfect moment to strike again.
“Hoodie?” I hear Diego’s voice from the other side of the tree and I lean over to see him right in front of me.
“Ah!” I jump in surprise and take a step back.
“What are you doing?” he asks, staring at my hair. “Beautiful curls, Hoodie.”
“Thank you.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Is that why you’re hiding back here?”
“I think I might go home. I’m not feeling very good today.”
Diego narrows his eyes. “Oh, no, Hoodie.” He waves his index finger in my face. “You’re not going anywhere. Hiding behind a tree, what a cliché.”
“Says the guy who hides his feelings behind jokes.” I cross my arms. “You have your own clichés too, Diego.”
He huffs exaggeratedly. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Mhm, sure.”
“You’re delirious. This tree”—he checks the branches—“must contain some hallucinogenic substance.”
I punch him on the shoulder as he continues to examine the leaves. “Go to class.”
“Without you? Never!” He takes me by the arm. “Come on, Tree Girl, class is about to start.”
