Page 40 of Best Woman
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Rabbi Hoffman is somehow even more handsome than I remember, tall and tan and solid with a salt-and-pepper beard, curly grown-out hair pushed out of his kind eyes, and hands I used to fantasize about spanking me as punishment for getting the Mourner’s Kaddish wrong.
“Hello, Julia,” he says with a big, friendly smile. This man has been, without fail, the most reliable tool in my orgasm arsenal for most of my life, waiting patiently in my spank bank until I needed him to help make it through a lackluster sexual encounter or lonely night with nothing but my Hitachi Magic Wand. Seeing him in the flesh and having him look so good and be so nice isexcruciating.
Kim gives me a wicked smile from her place opposite me, clearly reading my mind. We’re standing where the chuppah will be tomorrow—they’re getting it out of some storage closet right now—Aiden and Rachel between us, ready for what I’ve been assured will be a quick run-through.
I’dlike to be run through,I think, gazing at Rabbi Hoffman’s hairy forearms.
“Most of what happens tomorrow will be just like what you’ve seen in the movies,” Rabbi Hoffman tells the wedding party. “Aiden will wait here with his groomspeople”—no awkwardpause, damn he’s good—“and Rachel will be escorted down the aisle by her father.”
“It’s gonna be so hard to give my baby away,” says Rachel’s dad, a mousy little man I’ve spoken to only a handful of times.
“We don’t like to think of it asgiving away,” says Rabbi Hoffman, soft but stern. “This is a union, not an exchange.”
I get it,Kim mouths at me, nodding at the rabbi. Having the biggest crushes of my formative years—aside from my AP world history teacher and Gina Gershon inBound—in one room is dizzying.
We move quickly through the ceremony, and at the end Aiden and Rachel make out disgustingly enough to have me worried about what the real thing will look like tomorrow. Everyone is in their finery for tonight’s rehearsal dinner. Rachel’s dress is black and surprisingly chic, Aiden’s navy suit fits him perfectly. This is really happening.
“How am I gonna survive a night without you, baby,” Rachel whines, loud enough for most of us to hear it and groan.
After the actual rehearsal, we mingle outside the synagogue. The rehearsal dinner won’t start for another forty minutes and is only ten minutes away—Boca problems!—so everyone is taking their time.
Kim and I are loitering by the water fountain. I want to bend over and take a sip but my dress is so tight I’m not sure it’s worth it.
“You look really good, if I didn’t already say it,” she says.
“You didn’t really,” I say, shuffling closer. “But I could kinda tell.”
She laughs, surprised. Kim has such a beautiful smile, a little crooked on one side, big and broad with perfect white teeth. Iwant to lean in and justsniffher so bad, shove my face into her armpit and slobber all over it. That’s probably not appropriate in public, let alone a place of worship with my entire nuclear family ten feet away.
And getting closer.
“Hello,ladies,” Mom says, drawing close to us. Kim’s suspicious look returns at the emphasis onladies,which I know is my mom trying to be cute, or to do the annoying supportive cis woman thing and constantly reaffirm a trans person’s gender, but to Kim’s ears I’m sure it sounds mocking, downright hostile. “I don’t think we’ve had a chance to be properly introduced, I’m Aiden’s mother.”
“And Julia’s,” Kim says, hostility clear in her tone. Mom, usually blithely unaware of social cues, seems to hear it nonetheless.
“Well yes, of course.” She laughs awkwardly. “And you’re the maid of honor?”
“Kim,” she says, nodding. “Nice to meet you.” Nice is not the word I’d use. My palms start to sweat. I’ve led us here. Kim is about to verbally bitch-slap my mother in a temple and it’s all my fault.
“You two are going to be quite a sight standing next to Aiden and Rachel tomorrow,” Mom continues, confused but clearly trying to be complimentary, butgod,her choice of words is digging the hole deeper. Do I say something? But if I say something now it’s going to cause a scene,bothof them will be furious and then Aiden will be furious and Rachel will probably bludgeon me to death with a prayer book for ruining her wedding before it could really start.
“I’m sure no one will be looking at us next to the happycouple,” I say, attempting to redirect the conversation. Kim squeezes my hand and I see my mom catch it, her eyes lighting up. She opens her mouth to say something else meant to be nice that will only cause some kind of interpersonal supernova when, for the first time in my life, my father saves the day.
“Does anyone know where the bathroom is? They’ve remodeled this place at least twice since I was last here and I’ve got to piss like a racehorse.”
Mom rolls her eyes and stalks off as I direct Dad to the bathroom, but not before he gives Kim a once-over and shoots me the world’s least subtle wink.
“God, your mom,” Kim says once he’s gone. “I’m so sorry, Jules.”
“No, really, it’s not—” And then my phone starts buzzing in my hand, and I see Everett’s name flashing on the screen. “Fuck, I have to take this, it’s my boss.”
“Of course.” She nods, so sweet and understanding. I creep miserably outside and swipe to answer. “Hel—”
“Julia, why did I just receive a very angry call from Rosalind Schwartz about a bulldozer turning up at her house this morning?”
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
