Page 114 of How to Love Your Neighbor
Grace leaned forward, hating the coldness in her mom’s voice. “People stay if you give them reason to.”
Tammy’s brows arched, her hands clenching around her cup.
What’s wrong, Mom? Did that strike a nerve?
“You’ll see.” Tammy shrugged, looking away.
“Why did you keep me from my grandparents?”
Tammy stiffened in her chair. “They didn’t deserve you. They wanted to control me, tell me what to do. They were sanctimonious and judgmental.”
Grace told herself that as a teenager her mother probably felt those things. That didn’t mean her assessment was true.
“What about over the years? They never tried to reach out?”
Tammy set her coffee down. “They said if I left, I couldn’t comecrawling back. So, I never did. Then when you turned five or six, they started calling me, wanting to see you. I said no.”
Grace’s heart spasmed. “Why?”
Tammy’s glare was icy. “They cut me out of their lives. They only reached out because of you. Why would I give them anything when they turned their backs on me? You know, I said if they gave me some money, you could stay with them for a while.”
Grace’s brain went foggy. “Wait, you told them you’d give me to them for money?”
Her mother rolled her eyes. “Oh God. Don’t make it sound so sinister. I needed cash. If they weren’t willing to help me, why would I help them? They acted all high-and-mighty. I wasn’t good enough but my daughter was? No way. I was calling the shots. They didn’t like that.”
Grace realized as she listened to her mother that she really believed what she said. She wasn’t a teenager, but her vision of her parents had never matured. “Wouldn’t it have been easier to come back? Stay with them? No cash but they’d have let you stay, right?” She just wanted to understand.
Tammy stood up, paced the small room, then sat down again. “When I walked out, I said I’d live life on my terms. No one was going to tell me how to do that. Not them, not you, not any of those losers who said they loved me.”
Grace saw it clearly then. She didn’t believe in love because she didn’t love herself.
“What did that get you, Mom? A life of loneliness and heartache?”
Tammy lifted her chin. “The upper hand.”
Grace laughed bitterly. “Yes. You and your kid in some dingy trailer. You really had the upper hand.”
Fury crossed her mother’s features. “You’ve always been naïve. You have no idea what I went through. You’ve never had everyone turn their backs on you. Maybe I wasn’t the best mother butyou never went hungry. I let you stay even when you were old enough to leave. Do you have any idea what it’s like, thinking the love of your life would come back one day and realize he’d made a mistake? He never did and I was stuck with you, all by myself.”
The words felt like embers straight from a fire, but a strange, centered calmness overtook her body.
“You need to leave. I’m sorry for what you went through as ateenbut the choices after that were yours. I didn’t exactly have it easy as a teenager either but I made something of my life. By myself. Without anyone to lean on. You gave birth to me but you’ve never been a mother. I don’t want you here.”
Tammy stood, took her time pouring out the rest of her coffee before she leaned against the sink, eyeing Grace.
“Life has a way of making a person hard. You can only fall down so many times before you develop a thick skin. Before you realize how necessary it is.”
Unless you accept help from people who love you.
“That’s your view of things but I don’t agree. Instead of letting yourself not feel anything, you could reach out and let someone help. You could have put me before your pride.”
“They could have done the same. That’s on them. Even when they died, they made sure to hurt me. That’s why they left you the house.”
Grace could only stare, because she could see from the look on her mother’s face that she really saw it that way. Her perception was her reality.
“You can’t have the house.”
“Fine. I’ll take the money.”
