Page 93 of Can't Help Falling in Love
Lexi’s gaze widened. “I had no idea.”
Jackie smiled. “Why would you? What we present in public or online is very rarely the whole story.”
“I’m sorry. I feel like an awful person,” Lexi admitted.
“You avoided us because you were lying and didn’t want us to know the whole truth?” Becca asked.
Lexi nodded, feeling like a child who knew she was about to get scolded.
“Because you cared what we thought. Because you remembered who we used to be, individually and together. We were happy to see you, Lexi. We were high on some successesthatday. But that doesn’t mean every day up to that point was perfect.”
Jackie murmured an agreement. “A month before he proposed, I showed up at Becs’s with a bottle of cheap wine—the exact one you brought to our house.” She winked at Lexi. “I drank the whole thing and told her Nigel was never going to ask me. That we were going nowhere.”
“You guys seem so happy together,” Lexi said.
“We are. But it takes work. Life takes work. And patience, friends who can pull you out of the pit of despair and remind you to shake it off. That you can do this. I’m sorry you thought we’d judge you poorly for doing your best to deal with things that were out of your control.”
Tears burned. “I’m sorry I put my own insecurities on you. I was really happy to see you guys too. I’ve missed you and thought about you. I just wasn’t happy with whoIwas and didn’t want you to see that version of me.”
Becca reached across the table but pulled back when the waitress brought their food. She set it in the center of the table with some side plates and napkins. They thanked her, took a minute to add some snacks to their plates. Lexi’s stomach had calmed a bit so she added some carrots and dip to hers.
“I think who we are can change more times than we can count. You have to take the moments that make you happy and hang on to them. Have you talked to Will?” Jackie asked. She bit into a piece of celery.
“No. I want to. I miss him more than I thought possible but every time I think about phoning or texting, I think, if it hurts this much to be away from him after only six weeks, I understand why my mother fell apart. Twenty-five years of loving someone so much it becomes a piece of you. Now I feel like I misjudged her as well. We were only ever dating and I haven’t wanted to do anything since I walked away. Not get dressed, shower, do my hair, go out. I kept thinking my mom should just get better, move on, but now I don’t know how she’s come as far as she has.”
“She won’t ever forget him, Lex. Neither will you. He’ll always be part of her and you. But she’ll move on, become a different version of herself. Not better, not worse, justchanged,” Becca said, dipping a piece of broccoli in the hummus.
“See,” Lexi said with a watery laugh, “youhavegrown up. You’re so smart. How the hell do you know so much?”
“It’s easier to pick apart someone else’s life and spot the ways to fix it than it is your own.” Jackie grabbed some pita chips, put a few on Becca’s plate.
“She’s right. Plus, writing books is hella hard. Like, way harderthan I thought, so I’ve been doing all of this research and reading all of these books, trying to figure out how I can say something different. Something that matters.”
“What you guys have said to me matters.”
“We judge ourselves through pretty harsh lenses,” Jackie said.
“Hmm,” Becca said, swirling a pita chip in the dip. “You’re giving me book ideas. The book is tentatively titledFinding Your Own Happy. Maybe I need to explore the idea of accepting the different versions of yourself, past and present, as the road to getting there.”
“Careful how you word things or you’ll end up in a whole different section of the bookstore with finding your happy and getting yourself there,” Jackie said, stabbing the air with a chip for emphasis.
The three women dissolved into laughter and for the first time since she was twenty-two, Lexi felt like maybe everything would work out okay. More than that, maybe she wasn’t doing so bad after all.
Forty
Lexi nearly ran into her mom as she opened the door to leave, in a rush to get to Side Tap. It was after hours but Ethan had sent a cryptic text saying there were things they needed to discuss. She was feeling better since meeting with the girls yesterday but still hadn’t figured out what to do about Will. Should she call him? Text? Ask him on a date with the real her? As soon as she found out what Ethan needed, she was taking the first step. If he didn’t want her, she’d deal. But she wasn’t walking away. They weren’t over.
“Hey,” Lexi said, stepping aside so Gwen could get through the door. She’d started taking short walks around the neighborhood.
“Hi. You’re heading out?” Gwen took off her oversized plaid flannel. The beanie on her head made her look younger. So did the hope in her eyes.
“I’m heading to Side Tap. Ethan wants to go over some things.” She shut the door, giving her mom the attention she deserved. She hadn’t yet apologized to her and she felt like she should but she didn’t know what to say.Sorry I misjudged who you are, how hard it is to rebuild yourself after losing your husband, and for pushing you on my agenda instead of understanding your need to do it your way? Hmm. Yeah. That will all work. Say that.
“You worked at Dress Hut all day,” Gwen said, disapproval wrinkling her forehead.
“Yes, just helping to get a few things settled. Bitsy knows I’m done after Christmas. It’s okay, Mom. I can do it. The money is really helping and I’m happy with Side Tap but it won’t last forever.”
“Speaking of money,” Gwen said, playing with one of her buttons. “I spoke to Gregory.”
