Page 278 of The Armor of Light
‘All right, but you seemed quite put out by the visit of Major Dwight.’
‘I was, because I hate to see Jane behaving disgracefully. I did love her once, and I don’t now, and that’s the truth.’
‘So how could you be Hal’s father?’
‘Because of one time. I mean, it wasn’t a long-term sin. Oh, Lord, I don’t know what I’m saying.’
‘Amos, one of the lovable things about you is your innocence. But you don’t need to be ashamed, or even embarrassed, at least not on my account.’
‘But I’m an adulterer.’
‘No, you’re not. You sinned once. And it was long ago.’ She reached across the table and put her hand over his. ‘I know you well, probably better than anyone else in the world knows you, and you’re not a bad man. Most definitely not.’
‘Well, I’m glad you think so, at least.’
There was a pause. She opened her mouth to say something, changed her mind, then changed it back again and said: ‘Why have you raised this issue with me now, more than a decade after the event?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ he said, then he realized how stupid that was, and he said: ‘Yes, of course, I do know.’
‘So...why?’
‘I was afraid you wouldn’t want to marry an adulterer.’
She froze. ‘Marry?’
‘Yes. I was afraid you would refuse me.’
‘Are you asking me?’
‘Yes. I’m not doing this very well, am I?’
‘You’re not being very clear.’
‘True. All right. Elsie, I love you. I think I must have loved you for an awfully long time without realizing it. I’m happy when I’m with you, and when I’m not with you I miss you. I want you to marry me and come and live in my house and sleep in my bed, and I want to have breakfast with you and your children every morning. But I’m afraid my sordid past makes it impossible.’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘You don’t mind what I did with Jane?’
‘I don’t mind. Well, not a lot, anyway. Well, I do mind really, but I love you anyway.’
Had she really said that?
I love you anyway.
She had said it.
Amos said: ‘Then...will you marry me?’
‘Yes. Yes, I will. It’s what I’ve always wanted. Of course I’ll marry you.’
‘Oh,’ said Amos. ‘Oh. Oh, thank you.’
*
On his way home from the mill on Monday, Hornbeam went into the cathedral on impulse. He thought he might be able to think straight in the church, and he was right. The pillars and the arches all seemed to make a kind of sense, and looking at them in the light of a few candles he found that his thoughts became more ordered. Outside, his mind was just confusion and anger. All the things hehad ever believed had turned out to be wrong and he had nothing to take their place. In here he felt calm.
He walked along the nave to the crossing, then skirted the altar and carried on to the east end of the church, the holiest part. He stopped there, turned, and looked back.
