Page 150 of Forever, Maybe
Daniel felt her inhale, deep and slow, as if steadying herself.
“And after that,” she said, voice quieter now, “I spent the next few years trying to erase it all.”
She hesitated. Then, as if something inside her had cracked, the rest spilled out.
“Artie and Lee don’t know. They’d already moved out, living in the States with their dad's relatives. But Artie always said Mum and Dad tiptoed around me. He thought I made too much of a fuss over Darren’s death. That they indulged me. As far as he was concerned, Darren was just a neighbour. A childhood friend.
“After the baby was born, I lost a ton of weight. Artie thought that was another affectation, like I was milking the tragedy. Said Mum and Dad should stop fretting, sit me down, and make me eat.
“But the truth is… I wanted to lose weight. Because I knew if I got thin enough, if I made myself small enough, I wouldn’t be fertile anymore.
“And then it couldn’t happen again.”
Her words hung between them, fragile and heavy at the same time.
Daniel swallowed. Held her tighter.
Still, he didn’t speak.
She wasn’t finished yet.
Danny stared out of the window, eyes unseeing. A baby at the age of fifteen. There were phantom children everywhere—their child that never was, Ryan, and this—the actual grown-up kid, who would now be in their twenties.
“A woman who has two unplanned, unwanted pregnancies is very, very stupid,” she continued. “When the Jamie Curtice thing happened, it was all there in my records. The consultant made it clear what he thought of me. He insisted I use the Mirena coil from then on. Or get myself sterilised.”
“Sanctimonious prick.”
The insult made them exchange a moment of complicity—light relief.
Nell held up her hand. “No, he had a point, however nastily conveyed. Later, I discovered that he and his wife were undergoing fertility treatment. It must have been tough for him dealing with me. But after… the baby was born, I made up my mind that I couldn’t, wouldn’t have children. It would be a betrayal of that child. And to this day, I am so, so sorry I didn’t make that clear enough.”
“What about… what about when I spoke to you about trying for a kid when we were in London? What if…”
The eyes that met his mingled sadness and regret. “I honestly don’t know. All sorts of things floated through my mind, excitement, guilt, fear, but none of them stuck around for long enough. When I thought Ryan might be yours, part of me was relieved.Oh, look, Danny’s got a kid too…And I had daft dreams where both of our long-lost children turned up at the house, full of forgiveness and eager to meet us.”
The irresistible image shimmered in front of him, and he swallowed hard. Daniel and Nell, the latter-day parents, kinda cool because they had never had to deal with the practicalities, nappy changes, constant meal prepping and forcing fussy children to eat, chauffeuring kids to school and clubs, nagging them to brush their teeth, wash their faces, do their homework and spend less time online.
Nell stood up and handed him a sheet of paper.
“When I had Mikey, I was so young. Back then, social services let parents and carers make decisions on your behalf. Without my knowledge, Mum and Dad registered my name—just in case he ever decided to look for me. And yesterday, I got an email from a woman called Chrissie Gordon. About her brother, Michael. Mikey, he goes by.
“Mikey is my… son.”
He could hear her stumble over the word ‘son’.
“Chrissie is adopted too. After her mother died at the beginning of the year, she researched her background and tried to persuade her brother to do the same, though he was—is—reluctant, but he does have my name, and Chrissie did some detective work to find me. Mikey fell out with her, but he has now said he would be interested in contacting me. I… I think Chrissie reached out on his behalf in case I said no. So that if she passed on that news, it wouldn’t be as hurtful. I am desperate to meet him.”
The ‘desperate’ sounded defiant, Nell telling him what she was going to do, instead of asking the way she may have once. He flicked his gaze up at her, nodding slowly. “You should. If you can.”
He read the two other email exchanges Nell had printed out. Twenty-four-year-old Mikey had been adopted by a couple from Lincolnshire who had previously adopted Chrissie. He’d grown up in Boston and was now a police officer.
Mum and Dad never concealed the fact that we were adopted,Chrissie wrote,but we didn’t think it was right to look for our biological parents while Mum was still alive. When I told Dad, I wanted to learn more about my family history, he supported me.
He flipped the page over, letting out a surprised “Oh”. Chrissie had included a head and shoulders shot of Mikey in his police uniform. Nell must have studied the picture obsessively, looking for a resemblance. Mikey faced the camera straight on, his mouth open but not in a smile, and his hair styled in the traditional short, back and sides, with the curly top of it flopping over half of his forehead.
“He doesn’t look like you.”
“No, he’s the spitting image of his biological father. Speaking of which, there’s something else I need to do—tell the Hardy seniors about Mikey. He’s their grandson. I know they’ll want to meet him, and I hope he’ll want to meet them too.”
