Page 117 of Wilde's End
The memory of kissing him has burned itself to my memories,and I can’t believe that for a brief moment, I was able to touch him in all the ways I wanted, simply because I wanted, and now the thought of reaching for him is impossible.
The shock of him showing up here is the only thing that’s keeping the pain at a manageable level, and no matter how much I try to ignore it, my feelings keep poking at me until I bruise.
He’s here, and I don’t know why he’s here, but I’m desperate to take it as a good sign. Because when it comes to Wilde, I’m not content to take the scraps I’ve accepted from everyone else.
So I steal the question he’s always asking me and hope like hell he’s braver than either of us has been in the past.
“Why are you here?”
His voice breaks with an emotion that echoes mine. “You know why, Hudson.”
CHAPTER
FORTY-TWO
WILDE
Ican barely think with the relief rushing through me. No Sutton, no tearing a man apart, just me and Hudson and him looking at me like he did the other night.
Unlike then, I’m not scared. Not after how panicked I was over letting him slip through my fingers.
Ever since we met, Hudson wasthere. An irritating problem that needed to be solved. A roadblock to my happiness. A trailing annoyance, a pretty face, a curious personality, and finally, a persistent needle to my attraction.
I’d taken his presence for granted and assumed I’d always have it.
“I need you to say it though.” He’s projecting a vulnerability I never would have thought existed inside him, and it’s making my hands itch to reach out and cup his face. I keep them planted where they are, gripping the wood tighter, willing my heart to stop beating out of my fucking chest so that I can concentrate.
I can’t fuck this up again.
“I’m a mess.”
“Okay …”
“Emotionally, I don’t think I have a lot to offer someone, not that I’ve ever actually tried. See …” My throat tries to fold over the words, I hate them so much. I hate being here, out of my safety net, giving Hudson my harness and trusting him with it.
But if he needs words, he’s going to get them all.
“When I was seventeen, my whole world ended.”
Hudson steps aside, pulling the door wider to let me past, and I take the offer without question. The apartment is bigger than my whole house, but I ignore it all, turning my back on the view and focusing on the only thing I currently care about.
“Tell me,” he whispers, and I turn my arm over so the jagged scar is between us.
“My brother and I were in a band. It was getting popular really quickly, so we were in LA after signing a big contract for a lot of money. We started recording and through that met a few people … There was a party, and even though I was only seventeen, I … I got fucking wasted.” Tears haunt my eyes, but I refuse to let them build. “I don’t remember much other than Kyran putting me in a car and getting behind the wheel. I don’t knowwhathe was fucking thinking …”
Hudson’s hand wraps around mine, a shocking warmth pulling me from the blistering cold of my memories. “You don’t have to tell me.”
“I know.” I squeeze my eyes closed and bury the emotion right down. He hardly knew how to drive, and on unfamiliar roads, in the dark, going almost twenty over with coke in his system … “He was sixteen” is all I can say.
My little brother didn’t deserve that. If I’m honest with myself, neither did I. Our parents kept pushing us to do more, gofurther, and I think they thought they were being supportive. But as soon as we lost Kyran, I might as well have been dead to them, too, with how lost they became. My whole family disappeared in the blink of an accident.
Hudson’s green eyes have the sheen of tears. “I’m so,sosorry.”
“It was a long time ago.” A time when I was a completely different person to the one I am now. I don’t recognize my younger self anymore, but that kid who ran away from LA, who got stranded in Old End and decided to never leave … he’s still buried deep beneath where I can reach him anymore.
“If that was Kenny or Hart … no amount of time would be long enough.”
Given how it feels like I’ve ripped my heart open again, he has a point. “I’ve disconnected from it all. Or, tried to. I changed my life, changed my name?—”
