Page 68 of Soft Tissue Damage
“You promised you would if I asked.” She squeezes her eyes shut. “I want to go home.”
I stare at my grip on her ankles, disappointment a sinking weight in my chest. I did promise, but I didn’t think she’d ask. I thought Elena was the woman I’ve been looking for. The woman who could look upon my true face without screaming. I fantasized about confessing to her that I was her nighttime visitor, and then that I’d dismantled her life so I could keep her close to me. She’d be horrified at first, but then she’d understand that I only did it because I need her. Slowly, I’d start to drop hints that not every aspect of my business is legitimate, and she’d take an interest in what I do and how. She’d be proud of my sinister cunning.
Then finally, I’d show her the red mask, and just how swift I am at tying knots. She’d understand how much blood is on my hands, much more than she realized, and she’d still want me to put them on her body. Elena would be the first woman to see my true face, and she’d love me.
But there’s no love in her face now.
Slowly, I let go of her ankles, and Elena gets to her feet. “That was a dirty trick, wearing Leon’s hoodie and pretending to be him. I thought I meant more to you than that. I thought…”
I seize her shoulders. I can no longer hold back myemotions, and desperate words spill from my lips. “You think because I tricked you, it means I don’t care about you? Do you think I get this crazy over just anyone? I have been alone for two years and I haven’t touched another woman. I haven’t even looked at another woman. I have been waiting formywoman. I’m jealous, I’m crazy, I definitely took things too far, but I couldn’t help myself because it’syou. I’m afraid of you seeing who I really am and losing you forever. All that time you thought I was standing there calmly being your boyfriend’s dad and then your boss? I was losing my fucking mind over you. You think you’re not special? Special doesn’t fucking cover it. I amconsumedby you, night and day, and now that I’ll never have you, I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.”
I look up into the sky, searching for the strength to let go of Elena when all I want is to wrap my arms tightly around her and never let go.
“I know I’m a lot,” I say through gritted teeth. “Criminal. Immoral. Sinful. I’m too much. I always have been, and I always will be. I can’t change, and I’m sick of pretending, so I have to stop hoping that when I bare my heart and soul to the woman I care about, she’ll still want me.”
Keeping my gaze firmly on the cold, hard glare of the moon, I release my grip on Elena and turn away. My hope dies in this garden. If I can’t have Elena, then there’s nothing left for me in this world.
“I’ll take you home,” I mutter, crunching across the gravel. “I won’t touch you again.”
It takes me a moment to realize that she’s not following me.
“It hurts, doesn’t it?” she asks. “Trying to be good all the time and never being enough for people. I don’t know if what I’m fighting for is even worth it. I’m so tired, Cullan.”
“You are good. I know I’m not, but I don’t care about anyone else’s opinion of me. Only the woman I love. Everyone else can go to hell.”
“You’re brave. I wish I could be more like you.”
“I wouldn’t recommend it,” I mutter.
The cicadas continue to chirp. A soft, warm breeze blows through the silent garden.
“You meant what you said? That you’ve been consumed by me?” Elena asks.
“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”
“Then you should have told me. I’m not angry because you tricked me. I’m angry that all this time you pretended you’re not interested in me. Why did you pretend?”
I turn slowly to face her. “I was afraid you’d think I’m crazy.”
She has her hands wrapped around her waist like she’s cold, but there’s no longer the fury in her eyes like there was a moment ago.
“I wanted it to be you,” she whispers, emotion creasing her face. “That night in the guest room.”
I stare at her, stunned into silence.
“Just how crazy are you, Cullan?” she asks, sounding more curious than accusing. “You say that you’ve been losing your mind over me, but all I’ve seen is kind, politeMr. Grant.” She hesitates. “Except at night. When it’s dark, I see glimpses of another man.”
At night I kill. At night I let myself lust for her. I do terrible things in pursuit of her body and heart, and I’m not sorry about any of them.
“I’m curious about this man you’ve been hiding from me,” she says, watching me closely.
I risk taking a step toward her. “When it’s dark, I’m closer to being the man I never let anyone see. No one, except for you.”
“I haven’t seen everything, have I?”
A little seed of hope blooms in my heart. I worried Elena would be battering at the locked gates of the garden by now, screaming for someone to save her from me, but she’s not. “You want me to tell you who I really am?”
“No,” she says flatly. “I don’t want you to tell me.”
