Page 85 of Soft Tissue Damage
My aunts appear to have been right atthe end of their bedtime routine. There are empty mugs of tea on the table, and Aunt Astrid is partway through packing up her knitting. Balls of wool, silver sewing scissors, and a half-finished piece of knitting with needles in it are laying on the kitchen table.
Aunt Frieda and Aunt Astrid sit at the table with sour expressions.
“You have to tell me who my mother is,” I burst out.
Aunt Astrid gives a hollow, mirthless laugh. “We absolutely do not. When did you get so high and mighty, young lady?”
“Please,” I implore her, tears burning the back of my throat.
Aunt Frieda narrows her eyes. “Why is this so important all of a sudden, Elena?”
“It’s always been important. I’ve been patient and good and following your rules, hoping that you’ll give me what I so desperately want, but I can’t wait any longer.”
“But why come here right when we’re about to go to bed?”
I still feel sick to my stomach. Telling them the truth is inevitable, and I hope that my revelation will make them realize that they can no longer keep the truth from me. “I’m having a baby.”
I have never seen my aunts lost for words. Both their mouths drop open.
Aunt Astrid is the first one to speak, and she hisses like a viper. “Shameful, disgusting girl.”
Even though I was expecting them, I flinch at her cruel words.
“I knew this would happen the day you moved out of this house,” Aunt Frieda says, pointing a bony finger at me. “You’ve always been halfway to being a disgrace, and now you’ve walked all the way down that path to spite us. We tried to help you, Elena. Unmarried and pregnant, the shame of it all. How will we hold our heads up in church?”
It doesn’t matter what they say about me as long as they give me what I need. After tonight, I’ll never have to see them again, and I can cry in Cullan’s arms about all the horrible things they’ve said. I can cry in my mother’s arms. People who love me are the only ones who matter.
“Who is the father?” Aunt Astrid snaps. “Whoever he is, he won’t want anything to do with you once he knows. Men are only after one thing, and once they get it, they’re gone.”
“You haven’t got anyone but us now, Elena,” Aunt Frieda says with relish. “You’re lucky we can even look you in the face, because once he finds out, he won’t.”
That’s not true. Cullan held me and told me how happy he’d be if I fell pregnant. Why must my aunts seek to spoil all my hopes and dreams? “You’re wrong. Cullan wants another baby.”
“Did this Cullan make a commitment to take care of you?” Aunt Astrid asks slyly. “You can’t believe anything a man says when he’s between your thighs. He’ll tell any and every lie to get you on your back.”
“Only a stupid woman believes anything a man says who’s after her body.”
Aunt Astrid nods in agreement. “That’s right, a stupid woman. We’ll tell you the truth, Elena. You must move back in with us, and with Father Connell’s help, we’ll hide your shameful secret and find a new home for the baby as soon as it’s born. It will be whisked away the moment you give birth, and you won’t even have to hold it or look at it.”
I flinch every time she refers to my unborn baby asit.
“For a careless girl like you, it will be a relief to be rid of the burden, as it was for your mother.”
My insides shrivel up hearing those words. Is that really how it was for my mother? She couldn’t wait to get rid of me? I can’t comprehend carrying my baby for nine months, loving him or her and singing to them, caressing and holding my bump, only to have the child torn from my presence the moment they take their first breath. Never seeing my child again? Cullan’s child? I couldn’t bear it, and a loving father like Cullan never holding his baby is the most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard.
“No!” I cry. “I can’t do that. I won’t.”
“You’re not thinking of having an abortion instead, I hope,” Aunt Frieda says in a scandalized tone.
I shake my head. “I want my baby. I’m keeping my baby.”
I’ll be a good mother. Children like me, and I already know so much about taking care of infants and small children. I’ve always wanted a family of my own to love and care for. Cullan wants this, and even if he didn’t and I hadto do this alone, I’m used to hardship. It doesn’t frighten me. What frightens me is being trapped here with my aunts. But I won’t be alone. I’ll have Cullan and the beautiful, safe home he’ll put over our heads. Our baby will share Rosie’s nursery, and I’ll care for both of them and love them equally. I already love Rosie, and I’m just waiting for permission to love her out loud and with all my heart, like a mother, not the nanny. I don’t want to be just the nanny.
Just the pregnant nanny.
The pregnant nanny with no money who could be out on the streets by morning. The pregnant nanny who slept with her boss to keep a roof over her head when her life fell apart. According to my aunts, now that I’m a liability because I got pregnant, no man will want me.
But Cullan isn’t like that.
