Page 46 of The Playboy SEAL
“Carina knows how to kiss. She writes it like she lives it. I bet she’s super good in the sack,” Jasmine says, forcing Carina’s cheeks to turn scarlet. Jasmine isn’t just Carina’s best friend, she’s also the literary agent for her alter ego, Greenleigh. They have a relationship so intertwined that no one questions it anymore. I’d imagine the edges blur when you write about somethingyou also live.
I pull my hair into a ponytail. The only reason I left it down is because I thought it would be more alluring, but I can’t deal with the extra heat right now. The anticipation is making me nauseous. “Enough. No more talk about my sex life or the lack thereof.”
“Here, here!” Carina injects, flipping her cell phone face down in her lap. “Can we just eat Charlotte’s leftovers and talk about shoes or something?”
“This is where you guys should give me advice about sex in relationships,” I say. “How is it different? What’s expected after? Cuddling?” Cringing, I shake my head. “Never mind, don’t tell me,” I affirm. “I’ll do what I feel is best and hope it’s not weird.”
“It’s going to be weird. Sex is messy,” Charlotte says.
She tells us a story about the first time she had sex with her last boyfriend. I’m left gaping, wishing I never had to look her in the face again. Carina is covering her mouth, eyes wide. Jasmine is laughing, and Charlotte ends the story with a smug, closed-lip grin.
Standing from the couch, I tell them I’m going to be sick and rush into the bathroom, slamming the door. I hear their raucous laughter through the thick wood and smile. I pull my phone out of the pocket of my workout jacket and look at the photo Macs sent one more time. I should send him a photo—something scandalous and lewd—something that would make Charlotte’s story sound like child’s play.
There’s a soft knock on the door. “Are you okay?” Carina’s voice floats through.
I open the door and make sure my smile is in place. “I’m fine. I was joking. Charlotte is so gross sometimes. My stories are way worse anyway. It takes more than a dripping wet panty hamster to make me vomit.”
Carina laughs and then agrees, but her smile fades. “I’m having sex with Smith soon, too. I get it. I’m already in love with him.”
Her declaration sets my teeth on edge. It makes me question my feelings for Macs and ask myself what the hell is love? Carina exited a relationship prior to Smith—not that long ago either. How can she possibly know she loves him?
If there ever was a person to explain it, she’s standing in front of me. I reach behind her and shut the bathroom door with a soft click. “What is love? Explain it.”
Carina laughs. “You’re having an existential crisis, aren’t you?” Her eyebrows rise, and her shoulders shake. “Do you not want to have sex with him?” It’s a stupid question, but given the circumstances, it’s warranted.
“Of course I do,” I reply, letting my hands rise up and slap against my legs. “Sex is my thing. I never know those men, though. It’s just…sex,” I explain. “This is,” I say, pausing.
“This is more?” Carina supplies for me.
Coughing, I try to hide my emotion. “When you say it like that, it makes it sound like I’m goo-goo-eyed in love with him, and I’m not sure that’s the case. It’s the chemistry between us.”
She nods. “I saw it.” She sees everything. Then she turns around and writes about it. I wish I had that skill. I’d be less messed up, I bet.
Charlotte has fifteen bottles of perfume sitting on a mirrored tray by her vanity. I pick one up absentmindedlyand spritz the air.
“I’m worried he’s going to bail after sex,” I admit. Waving my hand in the air, I try to disperse the flowery scent. “That’s what always happens, and I don’t think this is any different. I’m not sure if it’s going to be different, and I’m preparing myself mentally for a few different outcomes.”
“That’s just because it’s all you know, Tay. It’s different, and you know it. It scares you. Have you talked to him about this?”
I laugh out loud—a sardonic cackle. “Macs doesn’t do emotions. If I had this conversation with him, he’d head for the hills so fast, my head would be left spinning.”
“You should probably try. I bet he’d be receptive. He’s only dating you, correct? No other women?”
I wince. “I think it’s just me.” How can I be sure? I feel like he’s always on his cell phone. I explain how wrapped up in the app dating culture he was before me, and now she’s the one wincing.
“Then he may be feeling the same way if he’s given that lifestyle up. Big changes are hard and scary. Even for men who aren’t afraid of anything.”
I pick up another bottle of perfume and sniff the top.
“Don’t spray that one. It already smells like a French whore on a Saturday night in here,” Carina snaps.
It doesn’t. Not really. Charlotte is into things like perfume and makeup. I have a couple of bottles to my name, but nothing like what she has. Exquisite bottles in deep hues and clear bottles that look like diamonds. Maybe I’ll buy another bottle the next time I’m at the mall.
I set the bottle back down. “You never answered me.”
She sighs. “What is love?”
I widen my eyes.Duh.
