Page 112 of The Gathered Fragments of Us
Now, I saw Felicity as the partner she is, that she had always been. Someone who faced the hard things with me instead of expecting me to manage them alone.
"We're going to be okay," I said into the darkness.
"Yeah," Felicity agreed quietly, sleepily. "We are."
Chapter 44: Okay, I Want To
~Macy~
I sat in Dr. Chen's office by myself. Felicity and Dad came in to help me get settled but left to go to the waiting room until Dr. Chen said it was okay for them to come in too. Dr. Chen said she wanted to talk to me alone first about Mom.
"How are you feeling about everything we discussed last time, Macy?" Dr. Chen asked. "About your mom being sick?"
I picked at the edge of my cast. It was getting gross and smelly, and I couldn't wait to get it off later this week.
"I don't know," I said, which is what I always say when I don't know how to put feelings into words. "Confused, I guess."
"Confusing how?"
I thought about it for a minute—then another minute, dragging the time out while trying to search for words. "Well, everyone keeps saying Mom has been sick, and that's why she's been acting weird. But she's been acting weird for a really long time. Like, maybe since I was nine or ten?"
Dr. Chen nodded. "Can you tell me what you mean by weird?"
"She used to be really fun, like when I was little. We'd make pancakes on Saturdays, and she'd let me help crack the eggs, even when I was even littler—I'd get shells in the bowl, and she wouldn't yell at me. She'd read me stories every night and do different voices for all the characters."
I could feel tears starting, which was annoying. I'd been crying too much lately.
"Those sound like really nice memories," Dr. Chen said softly.
"But then she started getting mad about everything. Like, if I left my backpack on the floor, she'd yell at me for an hour about being irresponsible. Or if I asked her to help with homework, she'd get frustrated and say I should already know how to do it."
"When do you think that started happening?"
I thought back to the first time Mom grounded me and took away all my art supplies after I hadn't put my laundry away before starting to sketch after school. "Maybe when I was going into like sixth grade? It got worse this year. I got really good at making my own TV dinners too."
I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. Dr. Chen handed me the tissue box.
"This year, she got like really different. She'd say Dad was trying to turn me against her, or that Felicity was trying to replace her. She'd ask me weird questions about what Dad and Felicity said about her when she wasn't around. Every day, it seemed like she was different."
"That must have been really hard for you."
"I guess. It was just like—I don't know—something was always happening, so I guess I didn't see it as like overnight? You know? I don’t really know how to explain it."
Dr. Chen was quiet for a minute, which usually means she's thinking about something important.
"Macy, it's okay not to have all the words right now. What the doctors found in your mom's brain—this tumor—it's probablybeen growing for a little while, likely for the last year. I want you to think back to the memories that were good—before things started to change."
"Okay." Before Mom started changing.She was always fancy, always spending money, so that's not it."Do you mean like when she was nice?"
"Yes, let's think about that time."
"So that would probably be before she met Brad. I was little when my parents divorced, but it was just me and Mom for a while. She met Brad like when I was, I don't know, like six?"Yeah, six—I thought to myself.
"How were things different with him?"
"Well, she had less time for me, and she shopped—like a lot!"
Dr. Chen sat silently and waited for me to keep going.
