Page 113 of The Gathered Fragments of Us
"So, like before Brad, we had an apartment—it was cool. Just Mom's room and mine. And mine was decorated like with princess stuff—I was little, you know—not like now."
Dr. Chen smiled and told me to continue.
"Okay, so then when she met Brad, he was fancy and stuff. He liked stuff. Then we moved into his house. It's so big, you know? And like…I don't know… Fancy. That's really the best word for it. Super fancy."
"So, when she met Brad—is that when you think she started to spend a lot of money but less time with you?"
"Oh yeah—for sure. But then, like in the last year—that's when she got really super different, you know? Like, mad, and really focused on Felicity and stuff."
"Okay, well it's possible that the tumor was growing in her brain for the last year, so I want you to think about her personality—not her spending or her time—but how she treated you. Think about who she was before all the changes happened in her being mad."
"Okay, yeah."
"I want you to consider that mom. You mentioned your mom used to kiss you goodnight and, even if she was going out to an event or a dinner, she would still make sure you were settled, right?" When I nodded, Dr. Chen kept talking. "Okay, well that mom, the one who kissed you and told you she loved you—the one who still hugged you and made sure you were doing okay—that was your real Mom. That was the one you should try to hold onto when your memories get hard."
"So I should try and forget about what happened over the last year?"
"No, not forget—those memories will always be part of your history. Instead of forgetting them, try to think of them as something different than the memories you hadbeforethey happened. You can still think of them, but put them in a different space of your mind and heart. Let the mom who you knew from before those memories take up more space, and the one who was there in the last year take uplessspace."
"Um, okay, I can try that—I think."
"In time, it will get easier. The point of the exercise is to realize that you don't have to forget the difficult times in order to remember the good ones, okay?"
"Okay."
"Have you gone to see her yet?"
I looked down at my fingers and started to pick at my nails. "No," I said quietly.
"Is there anything holding you back?"
"I don't know."
"It's okay to go see her, Macy. You're not doing anything bad by seeing her before she passes away."
We've talked about my mom dying a couple times now. I see Dr. Chen three times a week these days, so this has come up before.
"I'm still scared."
"It's okay to be scared too. You're allowed to have your own feelings." She leaned forward and looked at me, making eye contact. "I don't usually do this, but I think that the circumstances call for it."
"What?" I asked.
"I think you need to go see her."
"I thought I got to choose!"
"You do. And I'm not forcing you to go, Macy. But I am saying that you should. This may be the last chance you have to say goodbye. It's called closure. This is a defining moment in life, Macy. A decision not to see her is something you cannot un-decide or un-do. I want you to consider that and take the step to see her."
The tears were flowing down my face. Dr. Chen had never told me to do something, not like this. I pulled my knees up to my chin and held onto my legs, curling into a little bit of a ball on the couch. I nodded and said I would try. Dr. Chen gave me some tissues and let me have a minute to get it out—all the tears and all the pain. It all hurt so much.
After a few minutes, Dad and Felicity came in. I could tell they'd been talking in the waiting room because they both looked worried.
"How are you doing, kiddo?" Dad asked, sitting down next to me.
"Okay," I said quietly.
"Dr. Chen says I should go see Mom," I said, not looking up from my hands.
