Page 115 of The Gathered Fragments of Us
Making our way to the elevators, we followed Patricia's directions and ended up in a small unit area. We knew we were in the right place when we saw the on-duty Police Officer stationed outside the unit entry. After checking our visitor badges, he radioed to someone else, and we were ushered in.
Walking down the hall, we passed another two officers before reaching her room. Two additional officers were placed outside her room—it felt excessive to be honest. What do they think she's going to do? Make a run for it? I put my sarcasm away though and opted for silence. In all fairness, I haven't seen her, so I don't really know what her circumstances look like right now.
Caden bumped elbows with me, checking to make sure I was okay. I was on his right and he was holding Macy's hand on his left.
Arriving at her door, I maneuvered behind Caden and leaned down toward Macy. She was shaking. "We don't have to do this," I whispered. "We can leave right now if you want."
"No," Macy said, squaring her small shoulders. "I need to see her."
Caden approached one of the officers stationed outside her door. "We're here to visit Jessica Jensen. We're on the approved visitor list."
The officer checked his clipboard and nodded. "You can go in. Just knock first."
Caden knocked softly on the door. "Jessica? It's Caden. I have Macy with me."
"Come in," came a voice from inside, but it sounded different than I remembered. Weaker, more uncertain.
We stepped into the room, and noticed Brad was with her, holding her hand. He looked haggard. You could tell that, no matter what she did, he still loved her. He stood and approached us, shook Caden's hand, saying, "I'll go grab some coffee and let you guys spend some time with her." At this, he touched Macy's shoulder gently and left the room.
Looking back toward Jessica's hospital bed, I had to work to keep my expression neutral. Jessica was propped up, positioned near the window. She looked like she'd aged years in just weeks. Her hair, once perfectly styled, hung limp and unwashed around her face. Her skin had a grayish pallor, and there were dark circles under her eyes that spoke of sleepless nights and pain.
But it was her eyes that were the most shocking. They had a vague, unfocused quality, like she was looking through us rather than at us.
"Macy?" Jessica's face lit up, but there was something off about her facial expression—there was almost a delay, like her emotions weren't keeping up with the moment. "My beautiful... my... you came to see me."
"Hi, Mom," Macy said quietly, not moving from her spot near the door.
"Come here, baby. Come... come..." Jessica gestured vaguely her bed, but her hand trembled and she seemed to forget what she was doing in a moment. I think she even may have forgotten we were even here.
I felt Macy hesitate, so I walked with her to the chair. Caden followed behind like he was on guard or something.
"You look so... so pretty," Jessica said, reaching out to touch Macy's hair. But it seemed like she lost the strength when she reached the cup and, instead of grasping it, she ended up knocking it over on her table. The water flowed over the table and onto the floor.
"Oh, I'm sorry. So sorry. I'm so... stupid fucking stupid..." She looked at me as if noticing me for the first time and just stared. Moments ticked by and she was still just staring.
"Mom?"
Surprised, Jessica looked over at Macy and said, "Macy! You came. Come, come sit with me." Her words were slurring as she rolled over the consonants.
Macy's eyes filled with tears as she watched her mother remember her, realizing she'd forgotten the minutes before when we came in. She reached for my hand, clearly scared.
Jessica's eyes skated to where our hands were clasped and said firmly, "Macy, come here."
I leaned to my side and told Macy, "It's okay, Macy. I'm right here. I'm not leaving your side, okay?" She nodded at my encouragement and shuffled toward Jessica's bed.
"My daughter doesn't need help from some nurse. You can go now." Jessica must not recognize me. To keep from antagonizing her, I stepped a little outside her line of sight and into Macy's instead.
Macy leaned toward her mother, settling her hip a bit on the bed.
Jessica reached for Macy's hair but struggled to get her arm up high enough. Macy grabbed her hand and held onto it rather than watch her keep trying.
"I'm so-so-so-sor-sorry," she said, stuttering out her words. "I…I…I am ha-ha-hav-ing a ha-ha-hard ti-ti-time some-sometimes. It co-comes and goes." Jessica blew out a breath, pausing for a minute, she appeared to be struggling to focus, and after a bit, she continued. "Okay. I think I got it."
"It's okay, Mom. I understand."
Jessica nodded. "I know what I did was wrong." Jessica's voice became urgent, almost panicked. "I just couldn't stop. They saidthat it was because my brain and my pills. I hate you." She pressed her palms against her temples, frustrated. "No! The words are wrong. They're all wrong."
"Mom, take your time," Macy said gently, and I was struck by how mature she sounded, how she was comforting her mother instead of the other way around.
