Page 117 of The Gathered Fragments of Us
And in that moment, as the three of us stood there by Jessica's bedside, I saw tears stream from her eyes. I knew that she cried for the life she didn't get to live and the daughter she wouldn't see become a woman.
Chapter 46: What if I Don't Remember?
~Caden~
The drive home from the hospital felt different this time. It was heavier. There was a weight of finality settling in the car all around us. Macy sat in the backseat, her legs curled up as she hugged the door, head resting on the window. She was focused on the scene passing by us in the drive.
"You okay back there, kiddo?" I asked, my voice gravelly. Watching her in the rearview mirror, I could see her lips move, but she didn't turn her head to face me—keeping focused outside.
"Yeah," she said softly. "I'm fine."
Felicity reached back and squeezed Macy's knee. "It's okay to be sad."
"I know. I just wish..." She trailed off, then shook her head. "Never mind."
"What, sweetheart?" I prompted.
"I wish she could stay. It's not fair. I just feel like so much has happened and it's so hard." She broke at this, sobs pouring from her—wracking her body.
Felicity hiccupped with her own sob. I looked over and saw her unclip her seatbelt and crawl through the center console area into the back seat. That's my wife—my fucking amazing wife. She saw when she was needed and put everything to the side to bethere for Macy. This woman is the kind of woman people dream of finding. Even the mere thought that I could have lost her sent moments of panic through my system.
I watched Felicity throw herself into the back seat. She put her arm around Macy's shoulders, and when I saw my daughter turn toward my wife, my heart jumped in my chest. This moment when Macy allowed Felicity to engulf her and comfort her told me how much love there was in this car.
Tears flowed. Cries sounded. Hearts broke.
How does one comfort a little girl through something like this? How do you not want to give her the world for just one moment to forget the circumstances that landed us here?
I pulled over at the next safe spot, putting the car in park and turning in my seat to face them both. We weren't going anywhere until Macy was ready.
"I'm so tired of everything being sad," Macy whispered against Felicity's shoulder. "I'm tired of being scared and worried all the time."
"I know, baby," Felicity murmured, stroking Macy's hair. "I know you are."
"She's really dying, isn't she. Like, this is really happening—no changing it."
The directness of the question caught me off guard, but I knew she deserved honesty.
"Yes, sweetheart. She is."
"Soon?"
"I think so."
Macy sniffled; her sobs having subsided. I felt helpless watching her, not knowing what to do to comfort her—to help her through the grief for a mother she'd already lost in so many ways—more than once, but this time she would lose her for good.
"What if I forget her voice?" Macy asked suddenly, her words muffled against Felicity's shoulder. "What if I forget the sound of her voice?"
"Then we'll help you remember," I said. "We have some videos on my phone from when you were little. We can watch them whenever you want—I think I can even save them on a drive or something for you."
"What if I only remember the scary parts? The yelling and the stuff that happened this past summer?" She paused then and quietly, oh so quietly whispered, "and how she looked today?"
Felicity lifted Macy's chin gently. "Sweetheart, what a mom and a daughter have is unique. That kind of love—it's part of who you are. The good memories are stronger than the scary ones, even when they don't feel like it." Felicity ran her hand over Macy's hair, stroking it to help comfort her. "You know, I lost my mom many years ago."
"Mmmhhhmmmm." Macy acknowledged this with a muffled assent.
"Even after all these years, I can still remember her. I can remember the smell of Sunday sauce that she would cook starting early in the morning. I can remember her laugh and the way she would answer the phone with a sing-song tone of voice. I remember her hugs and hunting through bookstore stacks with her to find just the right book to read that week."
"Really?" Macy asked, pulling back to look Felicity in the eyes, almost like she was checking to make sure Felicity was being honest.
