Page 63 of Like A Daydream
How is it fair for her to keep moving forward when Emerson is gone and will miss so much of Danielle’s life when they had shared all of it? How is it fair for Danielle to be happy, to feel the heart-racing, earth shaking kind of love that Andrew is so ready to hand her?
“It’s not fair,” she whispers, sipping her coffee, “it’s not fair that I’m here and she’s gone.”
“It’s not,” Ainsley says, nodding. “It’s not fair, and I know that it’s painful, and I’m not going to sit here and try to tell you what she would have wanted because that’s not helpful. I’m also not going to sit here and tell you that your pain isn’t totally, one hundred percent valid.”
“Then what’s the point of me even being here?” Danielle asks, trying for a joke to lighten the heaviness that is suddenly filling the air.
“You needed a friend,” Ainsley says, simply. “And as a friend, I’m going to tell you that you can’t let your pain stop you from living your life. You have to figure out how to balance the grief, and the happiness that will keep coming. Sometimes grief comes in waves, sometimes it feels like gentle spring rain. But it’ll always be there. What matters is what you do with it.”
“Is that how you and Jet did it when Coach Thompson died?”
“That’s how we’re all still doing it,” Ainsley says, wrapping her hands around her mug. “There are always moments when we look around and think that he should be here, that he should be experiencing this life with us. There are times when Jet can only hold onto me, he’ll miss him so bad. But we don’t hide it, we aren’t ashamed of it. We just take our feelings at that moment, speak them into open air, and then continue to live.”
Danielle stirs her spoon around her mug, watching as the coffee swirls around, a small cyclone, a symbol of her life.
“I just feel so guilty,” Danielle says, “like it’s not okay for me to evenentertainwanting a life with Andy when everything still feels so fresh. I still wait for her to call me on her way home from work. And every time she doesn’t, I’m reminded that she’s gone.”
Ainsley sets a comforting hand on her wrist. “We all deserve joy, even in pain. It might not feel that way, but it’s true. There’s always light that shines through the darkness. Andy might just be yours.”
“Aunt D,” Harper says as Danielle tucks her in that night. She looks serious, and when Harper is serious, Danielle knows to pay attention.
So, she sits at the edge of Harper’s bed while she pulls the blankets up. Harper reaches for her stuffed dog, a favorite as of late, and plays with its ears.
“What’s up, Sparrow?” she asks, brushing Harper’s hair out of her eyes.
“Do you like Andy?”
She’s not sure how she should answer, so she picks the safest way. “Of course, I like Andy. Why wouldn’t I like him?”
“No, Aunt D, do youlikeAndy?” she asks, with a huff. “Because he likes you, and I like him. I think he’s good for you.”
Danielle has to laugh at that. “Why do you think he’s good for me, wise one?”
“He makes you smile,” Harper says, “and he brings you places. He’s nice, and he holds the door open for you when you get in his truck. He does all the things dad used to do for mama, just for you.”
“You’ve thought a lot about this, haven’t you?” Danielle says, blinking her eyes to stop their burning.
“Only every day since I met him,” Harper says with a shrug. “He likes you.”
“How do you know?”
“I asked him,” Harper says with a shrug, looking back at her stuffed dog. “All you have to do is ask a question you want an answer to.”
“I wish it stayed that simple,” Danielle says with a smile.
“If you like him, you should say so,” Harper says, turning on her side. She hugs her dog to her chest and closes her eyes. “I like him.”
“You’ve said,” Danielle says, raising a brow.
Danielle runs her hand over Harper’s head gently, not moving as she watches her breathing slow. She hates that growing up takes simplicity out of life, complicates things beyond recognition.
She stands with a sigh, flipping Harper’s nightlight on as she closes the door, phone buzzing in her pocket.
Andy:I’m on my way over
Danielle:now?
Andy:if I don’t come now I never will
