Page 105 of Queen of Thorns
I don’t know if he’ll still see me the same.
“I’m afraid I’m irrevocably bad,” I whisper.
Rev stills, but he doesn’t respond. He watches me closely, his silver eyes dimming.
“When I was a child, I was bold and stubborn and arrogant. I thought I knew best. I remember thinking that I wanted the world to pay for how they treated the Shadow Court. I wanted them to see that not only are we not weak but that they... should fear us. Part of me wonders if my life had gone differently, would I have joined the rebellion? I was like that. Angry and determined. And I... well, it was those thoughts and feelings that the Night Bringer fed off. He told me I was like him. And I... don’t think he was wrong.” My voice is trembling now.
“N—” Rev begins, but I hold up my hand, cutting him off. I shake my head quickly, unable to form words. Tears slip down my cheeks. I have to get this out. I have to...
Rev’s jaw is set, fear and pain so clear in his eyes now. He wants to prove me wrong. He wants this pain to end, but he can’t stop these fears by telling me to stop feeling them. They are here, and not only do I have to live with them, deal with them, but this is my challenge. I must express this or I will fail my test.
“I was power hungry. I was vindictive. And even though when it really came down to it, I didn’twantto cause pain, I didn’twantto be bad, the potential was all there. He showed me that; he showed me what I could become if I let myself. And I spent every day after fighting it. I knew when I killed Reahgan that there was no going back. That I was soiled forever. I was shamed. My hands were dirty in a way that could never be undone. But it’s more than the stain of Reahgan’s death.”
I pause, the next words catching in my throat. I take a few deep breaths then force them out quickly. “The Night Bringer’s soul is in mine. They’re intertwined. I couldn’t... I can’t tell the difference anymore. It’s seeded so deeply in my soul I don’t know if I could even become good if I tried. I... I’m terrified that he’ll slowly suck the life from who I am and I won’t even notice. And not like in the Schorchedlands where my soul died and his consciousness took over. I mean, I’d still be here, in control, but we’d be one and the same. What if... what if that already happened and I didn’t know it? What if...” I shake my head, a sob catching in my throat. “That darkness is there all the time. I feel it crawling, carving, digging. What if I am bad?”
“No,” Rev says firmly this time. He scootches in and curls his arms around me. “No, Caelynn. You’re wrong, and I’ll tell you why.”
I lay my head against his chest, and he squeezes me tighter as I sniff against his blood-stained tunic.
“You’ve lived with that monster’s soul inside of you for a decade.”
I shiver against his warmth.
“But that’s doesn’t make you weak or bad. That is something that happened to you. And the fact that you are who you are now, despite what has happened to you—despite harboring a piece of true darkness inside—makes you so fucking strong, and I’m shocked you don’t see that.”
I focus on each word intently. I want to believe him. I want to believe in me.
“If what you fear was true, Cae, you wouldn’t have saved me during the Trials. You wouldn’t have shied away from the glory your court showered on you during them. You wouldn’t have sacrificed for me, over and over and over again. You continue to fight so hard to resist the Night Bringer’s plans. You would have died in the Schorchedlands if it had been up to you. Do you think any of those things could be even remotely true if he had any control over you in the slightest? If his soul had any influence on you, you wouldn’t be this compassionate, caring, and wonderful female. I know it with every ounce of my being.”
I’m trembling now, cocooned in Rev’s arms. I squeeze him tightly as a sob escapes my lips.
“You, Caelynn of the Shadow Court, are so bright and so strong that even an ancient power cannot control you. You are deserving of legends, Caelynn.”
I bark out a bitter laugh through my tears. “You almost had me there,” I joke. “But you went a bit too far with that one.”
“It’s true,” he whispers against my hair. “I adore you more deeply than I could have ever imagined caring for anyone. You are beyond incredible, Caelynn. And I mean it when I say I am proud that you are my mate. That fate would match you with me makes me feel more confident in myself. Because if fate thinks I could be worthy of this incredible fae, then I must be more than I think too.”
Okay, yeah, now I’m crying.
The waters beneath us seem to give a deep sigh, pulling in and out like gentle waves washing over the beach. “You have passed the second trial,” the king declares softly. “And now, here is your final test.”
