Page 107 of Queen of Thorns
“Not like this,” I whisper.
I thought... I thought removing myself from everyone I cared about would make this easier. I thought it would keep them safer but... I can hear and feel Rev’s agony.
I step up to his prison and place my hand on the wall of light.
“What are you doing?” The king sounds vaguely curious but mostly annoyed.
“Drop the wall,” I say. “Please.”
“He’ll stop you from doing what you must,” he says calmly.“Have you changed your mind? Do you refuse my final requirement?”
“No. I will give my life if that’s what you require. But not like this.” I press my palm harder against the burning light. “Drop the wall.”
The king gives an exaggerated sigh, and then the wall of light drops and so does Rev. He falls to his knees, water splashing. His body sags, shoulders slumped. I drop with him, pulling him into my arms.
“I’m sorry,” I cry. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I won’t leave you like that. I won’t. I’m sorry.”
Realization seems to dawn on his expression, and he desperately claws at me, pulling me in tight, fingers clenching against my clothing and skin and frigid water soaks us. He stands, lifting me against him. I wrap my legs around his waist.
We stay like this, clinging to each other for what feels like an eternity. Our final eternity together. I sniff back my tears.
His breathing evens out after a few moments. “What’s happening?” he whispers.
I pause. My next words will hurt him, and I don’t know if I’m ready to let go of this last moment with him. Finally, I gather my strength. “I’m still going to offer my life in exchange for his help.”
His chest quakes. “No, please,” he begs. “I can’t... I can’t just let you do that.”
I swallow tightly. “Leaving you like that was wrong, I could feel it. So, maybe,” I lean back to look him in the eye, “maybe I need to explain to you why I have to do this.”
He drops down to his knees, and I curl up on his lap. His eyes are red, but he nods, ready to listen.
“What lies on the other side of the pain, Caelynn?” The Light King’s voice whispers in the stillness, in the breath between moments.
I pause. “What?”
“Though my heart still quakes, I remind myself that I am not that girl any longer.” The king’s slow and steady voice reverberates through the air. I blink. Those are my words... No. My thoughts. “And this time,” he continues, “I am here by my own free will. I was not trapped or lured. This is my destiny, and if I must withstand literal torture, this time I will do it willingly. Because my eyes are wide open. I know what lies on the other side of the pain.”
I swallow.
“What lies on the other side of the pain, Caelynn?” he asks again.
Revenge. That’s what I’d been thinking.
But... but instead, when I open my mouth to respond a new word rushes in.
“Freedom,” I whisper, echoing the thought.
That’s what this was always about. Tears well in my eyes as understanding dawns. I’ve been so focused on justice and punishment for my tormentors, but that’s not really what I’m seeking. That’s not really what I need.
That’s not the real reason I must do this.
I sniff. “From the moment the Night Bringer gripped me in his claws, I’ve been living in the reality that he forced me into. I’ve been trapped. Every moment of every day.” The words flow from my mouth quickly, easily. A gift of clarity to help me express my needs to my mate so that he can understand why I must do this.
“In the pain and the shame, the suffocating hatred of every person I ever cared for, I’ve been trapped in my own failure.”
I close my eyes, lips trembling.
“I entered the Trials to earn my freedom from banishment, but also to earn just a little bit of freedom from my own shame. I gained so much more by the end. I gained hope. You... you gave me hope, Rev.”
