Page 68 of A Drop of Anguish
I roll my eyes. “I don’t mean right now.”
The silence feels like it’s pulsing, growing, pressing down on us. I jump when the fire sparks to life. “Did you do that?”
“Yes. I’m sorry if it scared you.”
“Not all fear is bad,” I answer quickly. I turn to watch the now flickering flames, my cheek hot.
He watches me carefully, measuring my every move.
We remain like that for a few minutes, just soaking in the warmth and comfort of being near one another.
“Can you tell me what’s going on inside of you? Why is your demon carving you up from the inside?” I don’t know if I’m being pushy but I can’t relax until I at least have an idea of how to help him. Even if he makes one up. Give me something to do.
I hate feeling helpless while someone I care about suffers.
“My thoughts are constantly warring, that’s what makes me anxious. Like I’m never doing enough, but there’s nothing more to do. I’m a constant failure, but I haven’t failed yet.”
That’s not confusing at all.“What—what are your thoughts warring about?”
“You.”
My heart skips a beat. “Me? What—what’s warring about me?”
He sniffs but keeps his shoulders back, his eyes trained on something in the distance. “I’m warring between duty and desire, I guess.”
My eyebrows rise. I’m not following his meaning.
“What’s your duty?” I ask. He’s never mentioned anything about his role as a prince, so I have no idea what he could mean.
He turns to me, face still lacking any emotion at all. He examines me, with those dead eyes. “I should woo you. Convince you to be mine at any cost.”
My stomach sinks, and for a moment, I feel like I might be ill. How is wooing me his duty?
“What’s your desire, then?” He doesn’t want me, but somehow thinks he should? Does that have something to do with Liz? Is there some kind of magic in the blood of his chosen that I share with my sister? He can’t have her, but he can replace her with me and regain some of what was lost?
“My whole life, people have desired me because of what I am. Not who. I desperately want someone to choose me back.”
My mind spins through his words.Choose me back.
This is so messed up, and I’m so lost. In my own thoughts and feelings, and his. I don’t understand any of it.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Candice, and I don’t want to push you away, but if you are going to push me to open up—”
“Tell me, even if it hurts.” I clench my jaw, ready for whatever criticism he’ll share. Ready for him to tell me I’m his second choice, but he needs me. I know it’ll hurt, it’ll slice through me the way his demon is slicing through him, but I’ll take that pain if it will help him. I’ll take that pain because I’ve been bearing it anyway.
Even my sister knew my true weakness—I hide from what scares me. Well, if Jarron wants to be open about his, I’ll face it. For him.
“I thought you were different,” he says, voice low and emotionless. “I thought I mattered to you, but it turns out you were using me just like everyone else.”
My stomach clenches. It wasn’t the hard truth I was ready to hear, but he’s right. I did use him. I know it hurt him, to learn that I truly thought he was a monster who killed my sister. That I spent time alone with him, wondering if he’d kill me too. All while he did everything in his power to make me feel comfortable and safe and loved.
“Maybe it shouldn’t matter, but it does. And I… don’t want to play games. I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me back, even if it kills me.”
My heart aches.
“Of course it matters,” I whisper. “I’d hate me too. I do, sometimes.”
Concern flashes across his features. “You hate yourself?” he asks in a near whisper.
