Page 66 of A Dose of Agony
“Your education is extremely valuable, especially in Orizian,” he says slowly, “but I trust no one.”
I frown, still sitting, and not fully understanding his reaction.
“Anyone could be working against us, Candice. Anyone at all. Even Professor Zyair.” He breathes deeply. “I’m going to come with you to classes all week, so that’ll be fine. But once I go back—”
“Jarron,” I reprimand before he can tell me I have to stop my private lessons.
“You can keep meeting with him, but I want Laithe to be there every time. No one else. Only Laithe.”
“Why?” He knows what Laithe knows, at least some of it. So, does he want to keep track of what I’m learning? “You want them there as a spy?”
He frowns down at me. “Sort of, I guess,” he admits. “but not how you’re thinking. I trust you, Candice. I don’t trust other people with you. The information he gives you and the information you give back could all affect this war. I just need to make sure I’m on top of all of it.”
I swallow. Does he really think Professor Zyair could be part of the rebellion? Or passing along information?
They could also read into my uncertainty and how little I’m kept up with current events. That I’m left alone here a lot.
Okay, I guess some of that could be bad in the wrong hands.
“Okay,” I whisper.
He presses two fingers beneath my chin and lifts so I meet his intense stare. “I care for you more than anything else. I know it doesn’t always seem that way, but it’s true. This is all really overwhelming for me. It’s scary. I’m scared,” he admits.
Those words disarm me in an instant. I stand and wrap my arms around him. “What are you scared of?”
He huffs out a bitter laugh. “Everything.”
I lean my chin against his chest, peering up at him, waiting for a more specific answer.
“I’m afraid of losing control. I’m afraid of something happening to you. I’m afraid of being a failure.” He closes his eyes. “I already feel like a failure.”
I suck in a breath. I want to tell him that’s not true, but his world is imploding. What would my words even mean in the face of all of that?
I nod against his chest. “I know it’s overwhelming, but I’m—I sometimes feel like I’m not actually a part of it. I’m a pawn, at best. You care about me, I know that, but I don’t always feel important. How could I be if I’m kept in the dark?”
He winces at the words, staring at me like I’ve kicked his favorite puppy. Finally, he whispers, “Okay. I’ll try to keep you informed however I can. But there’s—” He stops and looks up to the ceiling. He takes a few long breaths.
“What?”
“There are some things I can’t say aloud. Things—” He shakes his head, but his thumb absently brushes over the veins in my wrist.
The spot where he would mark me if I let him.
“Things that will take time to understand.”
30
Rejected Prince
The spot on my wrist seems to tingle the rest of the day, and my brain is burning.
I want to focus on the amazing news that Jarron is here with me now, and he will be here for the rest of the week. He’s not going to miss my eighteenth birthday!
Best news of all, I get to leave Elite Hall. I can take walks on the grounds. I can go to classes and sit in the lunch hall with my friends.
But the lies sit like an elephant on my chest. I hadn’t decided whether I was going to let Jarron mark me before my deal with Bea, but now the idea that I can’t is suffocating me.
Now, I’m trapped in that way too. I don’t have the choice to get those answers, not without major sacrifice.
