Page 60 of Borrowed Pain
Miles watched me. "Rowan, can I talk to you privately for a minute?"
"We should probably stay focused on tactical planning—"
"Five minutes," he said, already standing. "Matthew, can we use the kitchen area?"
"Of course." Matthew glanced at each of us. "Take your time."
Miles leaned against the counter, arms crossed, studying me intently. "Want to tell me what's going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"You look lost, like the little boy who wasn't chosen for kickball."
"I—no."
"Bullshit." Miles straightened. "You're scared my family will convince me to choose safety over justice. They'll close ranks around me and leave you out in the cold."
"They won't do that? Maybe they're right."
"They might try. That's what families do." Miles stepped closer. "But that doesn't mean they'll succeed."
I shook my head. "Miles, look around. Look at what you have here. These people would burn Seattle to the ground before they'd let you get hurt. That's not something you walk away from for some damaged ex-agent."
"Is that all you think you are?"
The question forced me to confront what I'd been avoiding. "I think I need this investigation more than you do. Justice is all I've had. I don't have someone I—" I stopped myself before the words could escape.
"Someone you what?"
Someone I love.The thought hit hard, stealing my breath. I loved Miles McCabe. It wasn't only wanting him or needing his tactical partnership. I loved him with the desperate intensity of someone who'd forgotten how to feel anything beyond professional obligation.
And love made people selfish. It made them endanger the person they claimed to protect.
"Someone I care about," I finished weakly.
Miles was quiet for a moment, studying my face. "Rowan, do you think I'm here because I feel sorry for you?"
"I think you're here because you have survivor's guilt about Iris, and I offered you a way to do something about it."
"And after we kissed? After I let you see me break down over surveillance violations? After I brought my family to meet you?" Miles plunged ahead. "What do you think this is all about?"
I couldn't answer. "I'm not good at this," I whispered.
"At what?"
"Wanting someone more than I want to protect them. I don't know how to love without trying to control the risk."
Miles reached out, placing his palm against my cheek. "Maybe start by trusting that I'm capable of making my own choices about acceptable risk."
"Even when those choices could get you killed?"
"Yes." His thumb traced my jawline. "Rowan, I've watched my brothers choose danger every day. Loving them never gave me the right to make different decisions for them."
"So, what happens after? After we bring down the people who killed Iris and find Rook and Hendricks."
A grin spread across Miles's face. "That's a long way down the road."
"But it matters," I whispered.
