Page 75 of The Disputed Legacy
“I’m fucked.” I whispered it hotly, hating that I’d let these secrets linger between us. Now, though, I realized it might have saved me. If Saul was part of the law to the point he’d chosen to follow his duty instead of going with what I thought was love, I wouldn’t win.
“Willow?” Irene called out suddenly, the main door to the women’s room still whining as it swung open. She knocked. “I’vekept your tables happy for as long as I could. You gotta get out here for a couple of checks. Saul’s starting to look worried, too.”
Dammit.
I couldn’t break down again. I had no time to sit and think.
“Okay. Thanks.” I stood and brushed my hands down my uniform, steeling myself to go back out there. Margo would’ve scolded Irene to shut up and not ask what was wrong with me. And as I returned to the front and promptly dealt with my customers, it seemed that she knew better, anyway. She gave me one look, as if checking that I was out here to handle my shit so she wouldn’t have to, and busied herself again.
We both tended to our tables. Saul would meet my glances with curious ones of his own.
And life went on. For now.
No other cops stopped in. Nothing happened but the usual of serving hot, cheap food. As the evening wound down, I crept closer and closer back to the norm that I always existed with.
Tense but not breaking down.
Focused, but not hyper-alert like a crazed person.
Before I clocked out and gathered my tips from the credit bills, Margo approached me.
“You going to be okay?”
I nodded, not as jerkily now. I even looked up at her and made direct eye contact.
She grunted.
“Is Saul a good thing or a bad thing?” she asked bluntly.
I wondered if she would ever realize how much her maternal attitude toward me helped me survive. Regarding her direct question, though, I was perplexed on how to reply.
Peeking a look at him as he and Oscar gathered the school papers and tidied them to put them in the blue backpack, I nodded again. “Good.” I said it weakly, but I wanted to believe in it.
Saul had to be a good influence on us.
He couldn’t be bad if he’d saved his life.
And if he could be in the security sector of work that aligned with the cops I had to avoid forever, then I’d need to be even braver and leave him immediately. I couldn’t speculate that far. I had to know who the hell he was to make that choice.
“Good, Margo,” I repeated, wishing I could manifest it and make it happen that Saul would be my savior, not my threat.
“You sure?” she asked, despite my saying it twice.
I want to be sure about him.Being alone and scared was exhausting. It wore on my soul every day that figures of authority could ruin my life. Tonight, that false alarm of them showing up was mentally and physically debilitating.
“Yes, Margo.” I didn’t say the words, that I was sure about Saul, but I would do all I could to be informed and decide tonight.
Even if he was busy with late calls. Or if Oscar took longer than usual to get into bed.
I’d make myself stay up late and talk to Saul in bed.
No sex. No touches and caresses and kisses.
Not until I relied on my head again, not my heart.
Not until I thought with my brain, not the hormones that took over with my body so needy for his.
“Ready to go home?” I asked Oscar and Saul as I approached them with my purse. I put on a chipper smile, the best I could, but Saul’s serious look suggested I hadn’t quite pulled it off.
