Page 78 of Oz
She grimaces at me before grabbing Silas by his arm and hauling him over the threshold. I watch as she escorts him down the corridor, talking energetically about cruises and holding onto him like a very tiny Irish prison warder.
I almost expect him to look around the lounge with disdain. My mum’s a bit of a one for colour but has zero chance of ever matching two so it’s a bit like walking into a packet of Skittles. One old hook-up had taken the piss once. That’s why he became an old hook-up.
I tense as Silas looks around the bright blue and orange living room, but he grins widely and picks up one of the photos of me at primary school. They line the glass cabinet three and five deep in some areas.
“Tell me there are more of these?”
“Of course there are,” I say sourly. “I’m surprised I didn’t need a guide dog, the damage this woman did to my retinas.”
My mum smacks my arm. “I don’t know why I bothered. Jesus, he was an ugly baby.”
“Ma!” I say, scandalized.
“It’s the truth. The Lord says not to be afraid of that. Why, when Father McConnell picked you up the first time it was only the fear of dropping you that stopped him crossing himself.”
I glare at her, but Silas breaks into roars of laughter. “It’s the nose. He has such a distinguished nose.”
“No child needs a distinguished nose like that. He looked like Bernard Bresslaw.”
I shake my head, but Silas has tears of laughter in his eyes. My mum grins at him and just like that I see the click as she falls for him.
The love fest continues as she cooks for him.
“You’ve done steamed mussels with cider and bacon,” I exclaim. “We only eat this on birthdays. Ow!”
She retracts the wooden spoon she’s just whacked my hand with. “This is for Silas, not you, and as such you’ll take a smaller portion.”
Silas smiles smugly and I kick his ankle. “Shut up.”
His smile widens and stays there all through dinner as we sit around the kitchen table and she regales us with tales of her cruise.
“Ma, please,” I say finally. “Did you not think adult entertainers meant porn stars?”
“I did not,” she says crossly. “I just thought they wouldn’t be singing Disney tunes.”
“What was your first clue?” Silas asks.
My mum taps her finger on the table. “I think it was the trick with the watermelon. Auntie Vera’s eyes nearly popped out of her head.”
“Oh God, please help me,” I sigh.
Silas laughs and, reaching over, he grabs my head, kissing me on the forehead before excusing himself to go to the loo.
We watch him go and the pinch she gives me surprises me. “What the hell?” I hiss. “What have I done now?”
“Not what you’ve done, but what you might do. Don’t ruin this, Oz.”
I stare at her. Her face is as serious as I’ve ever seen it. “What do you mean?”
She shakes her head. “That man is amazing.”
I can’t help my smile. It takes over my face and she relaxes slightly but still looks at me with caution. The smile falls from my face and I sigh. “Ma, he’s an earl. Anearl,for fuck’s sake, is having dinner here.”
She shakes her head chidingly. “No. A man is having dinner here.Yourman, finally, and he’s lovely.”
“He’s not my man.”
She gives me her clearsighted glance that since I was little has always seen right through me. “Is he not then? Oh, I must have been mistaken.” I shoot her a look and she smiles. “I said when you finally brought a man home who looked at you the way you should be looked at, I’d be happy.” She kisses me and stands up to arrange her flowers. “Well, Oz, I’m happy.”
