Page 35 of Where She Is
His grin says it all. “It may be okay for you, but I’m not sharing my lunch with the local wildlife.”
It hadn’t occurred to me until I studied the forest floor that local bugs would be a problem. I’d seen dogs smaller than some of the ants scuttling around my feet. “Oh my God, they’re enormous,” I say as I peer over the arm of my chair. “Perhaps the table wasn’t a bad idea.” My eyes must bulge from my head because he seems to find my shock and curiosity funnier than he should. I eat cautiously and check every now and again that the little buggers aren’t crawling up my leg.
Our conversation over lunch revolves around home and Lucy in particular. I miss her and the gang so much and his interest in my social life has me on the verge of tears. To keep my composure intact, I try to change the subject. “That’s enough about me. I want to find the root of your city phobia.” His chewing jaw slows and I should have realised then not to continue with this subject. “It’s just it would be great if you came to meet me for lunch one day.”
“It is what it is.” He looks at his food, avoiding my gaze.
“I don’t understand, Daniel. All I’m asking is that we—”
He cuts me off mid-sentence. “I can’t go into it, Hannah, okay?
“Oh,” I say without thinking, “Does Sydney remind you too much of your wife?”
The atmosphere suddenly sends an icy shiver through me. “What’s Louise got to do with it?”
Now I feel stupid. “Nothing. I was only trying to get to know you better.”
“Me or Louise?”
“You, but she was part of your life, so I suppose I’m asking about both of you.” There’s silence before I say, “Look, I shouldn’t have asked, I’m sorry.”
“I can’t, Hannah. I can’t do this right now.” Daniel’s fork rattles loudly against his plate when he pushes up from the table. I have no idea what to do. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I was—”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does. It was wrong of me to put pressure on you,” I say while focusing on my plate.
Daniel sighs, “It’s getting late. We should get back.”
Oh shit. Our time is cut short because my mouth has spoken before my brain has fully engaged. Is it so wrong of me to ask him questions? I thought we were trying to build something here. Perhaps it was just bad timing, but I honestly thought he would want to tell me about his wife; that he would be glad I didn’t ignore her existence.
Oh God, what if I’ve ruined things? What if I’ve pushed him too far?I feel sick to my stomach as I stand from the table and follow him back in the car's direction.
Daniel is behind me as we walk through the woodland. It’s a good job as I fight back my impending tears. The imaginary dark cloud looming over him could burst at any moment and cause my internal emotions to break. Just when I think things are going well, I put my foot in it. I wish I could go home, and I don’t mean my flat. I mean, England. It may be dramatic and over the top, but I think it all the same.
When we finally reach the car, Daniel opens the passenger door, holding out his hand for me to enter. His refusal to look me in the eye only adds to the unease between us. I know I’ve said the wrong thing and feel awful I’ve uncovered old wounds. Our drive home is nothing short of uncomfortable. The heavy silence in the air contributes to an awkward ride home. I glance over several times, but his focus is fixed on the road ahead. If he could just open up to me a little, he might find it feels good to release some weight from his shoulders.
After a brief drive, we stop to take in miles and miles of vast mountain range. In the distance, a stream runs through the middle of the landscape. A bright blue sky, with sweeping whiteclouds, caps the scenery in front of us. It’s beautiful. All thoughts of our difficult conversation have disappeared from my head as I rush to the car and collect my phone. We have to have a musical moment. Daniel smiles and leans against the bonnet. He knows what I’m doing and signals to my ear buds. “Can I have one of those?”
It’s a peace offering I’ll accept. “Do you trust my choice?”
His cheeks dimple, “Always.”
I visibly relax, handing him the bud and slowly exhaling a silent breath. A familiar intro hums through me. U2,Beautiful Dayfills our senses with energy and euphoria. A damn fine choice for this view. I watch Daniel absorb the sound. His smile releases the last of his tension. The gloomy atmosphere melts away, and our sorrowful eyes lock. The music ends, but our smiles remain. Simultaneously, we remove our earbuds and take in the view across the valley.
“I’m sorry.” I hear the regret in his words.
“Me too.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. That was all me.”
“No. It’s none of my business—”
“Shh, Hannah. You have every right to know.” He searches for my hand, then locks his fingers with mine. “Let’s get a blanket from the car. We’re wasting an incredible view.”
We sit opposite one another on the rug. Daniel attempts to be as attentive as possible which is probably out of guilt, but part of me wants to hold him and tell him everything will be okay. Outwardly, he’s strong and confident, but inside there’s so much hurt and his defences are weak. We talk about everything and nothing. We avoid all major subjects, and for now, I think that’s best. He’s trying to let me in, little by little, but it’s hard for him. I understand it will take some time to let another person into his heart.
Back in the cottage, we’re sprawled across the enormous grey sofa, lazing around for the rest of the afternoon watching one of my favourite films, Dirty Dancing. As a teen, my mum and I would watch it when dad was out. It was our little ritual, and it also satisfied mum’s huge crush on Patrick Swayze. I could say that she made me watch it, but I’d be lying. I loved to watch her old movies from the eighties.
