Page 85 of Where She Is
Somehow,Jennifer books two seats to London, Heathrow for the following afternoon. I have no idea how the hell she did it. There’s a break in Hong-Kong for a few hours then a direct flight to Heathrow, but it’s the quickest route she could get.
Before we left, I spoke to dad. The underlying worry and tiredness in his voice, despite his attempts to sound positive, was obvious.
“I’m okay, my darling. Jackie and Markus are with me,” he says, referring to Lucy’s parents. “And Jill visits too. All three of them have been by my side from the minute your mum was admitted.”
“I’m glad you’re not on your own,” I tell him, but I’m especially pleased Jill was there. She was possibly the nearest person mum had to a sister. They’d met in their twenties while working together in a department store and were apparently joined at the hip in those early days. I silently thanked my lucky stars for these incredibly special friends, but I wished it were me holding his hand.
Daniel’s constant source of support and strength is the only thing that keeps me going through the flights. He is amazing. The entire journey is a mixture of tears, sleep and restless walking between aisles, but he is there beside me. I’m so focused on getting to mum and awash with emotion, that I don’t register the luxury of our first-class flight, although I am grateful for the comfortable bed. When I wake up after a few hours, Daniel is already awake and ready to listen.
“What time is it?” I ask, my brain fuzzy with disorientation. “Just after eleven P.M. Sydney time. How are you feeling?”
“All right, I think. Do you have a drink? My mouth tastes like a rat’s armpit.”
His nose wrinkles and his lip curls, “I do not wanna know how you know that.” He reaches over and hands me some iced water. As the freezing liquid slides down my throat, I remember the last thing my dad had said before we ended our call, “It’s a long way for you to travel, my darling, and there is nothing you can do to help your mum.”
I asked him what he meant. His silence spoke volumes while he tried to think of something positive to say. That’s when I realised there was no time to waste.
“Shit… Daniel, what if she doesn’t make it? What will I do without her and… oh my God, my poor dad. He won’t survive.”
“Shh,” he soothes while rubbing my back, “don’t think like that. You must stay calm, Han. Come on, do this for your dad.”
I rub my eyes, mostly from tiredness but also a few rogue tears have broken through my defences. “It was as if he was preparing for the worst. You didn’t hear his voice, Daniel. He sounded defeated, as if he was resigned to a life without her.”
“I’m sure that’s just exhaustion setting in. He probably hasn’t slept since it happened, which is why you have to rest now. You’ll need all your strength for him when you get there.”
I nestle into his side. “You are my strength. I don’t want to think about the state I’d be in if you weren’t here.”
“I’ll always be here, Han. Always.”
We’d been flying twenty-four hours and five minutes by the time we reached Heathrow. I should be exhausted from continual broken sleep, but I was far from it. My adrenaline rush pushes me on. As we walk through the arrivals gate, my vision is blurred with the sea of people in front of me. Some are shouting names, some hold name cards I can’t read. From the middle of this mosh pit, I just make out a small blonde frantically waving her tiny hands in the air as she fights her way to the front of the barrier. I’m so happy and relieved to see her familiar face. Daniel stands behind me as I launch my entire body towards her waiting arms. We hold one another so tightly and without words. Eventually, we break apart and I introduce my boyfriend to my oldest friend.
“Lucy, this is Daniel.”
“Of course it is!” she laughs through her tears. Daniel offers his hand, which she ignores completely. She prefers to go straight for a full-on bear hug while mouthing over his shoulder, “Oh my God! He’s gorgeous!”
“I know,” I say through tearful laughter. “Now take your bloody mitts off him!”
Daniel guides me around towards the main terminal doors as the three of us head for the taxi rank. I’m so relieved and can’t wait to get there. My dad will need me there for strength. Before I’ve acknowledged my surroundings, we are in the back of a black cab and on our way. Daniel has me wrapped in his arms and Lucy holds my hand. Reaching mum is my only aim and we make it in thirty-eight minutes.
The Royal Berkshire Hospital is a giant puzzle. Luckily, Lucy knows exactly where to go. As we bang our way throughthe double doors, the wheels of my suitcase squeal and alert surrounding glares to our arrival.
I instantly see my dad, his back bent forward, his hand over his mouth. Jackie has her arms around him while Markus is talking. We come to a screeching halt. Markus notices me first and whispers to Jackie. Dad’s hand drops from his tired face, and his tear-filled eyes meet mine. I run towards him and into his arms. We cling to each other. Neither one of us willing to let go.
“I’m here now, Dad.”
“My darling girl…” he stutters as a sob jolts from his slight frame. This is the second I feel it. My legs shake and my body turns cold and numb. This is it. The moment I’ve dreaded is here. I hold my breath, unable to speak. I can’t ask my dad the one question I already know the answer to, but he confirms it anyway.
“She’s gone now, my love. She’s gone.”
Firm hands catch me as my legs give way completely and I struggle to find air. In those few seconds, my world blows apart as fragments of memories appear in quick succession. There are voices around me as small splinters of light blind my vision and steal my attention.
“I didn’t get to say goodbye….” More voices call at me, then nothing as my world slips into darkness.
Chapter Thirty
Those few initial minutes,when I wake with Daniel beside me, are always the best. I take in his smooth olive skin as his messy hair falls in waves around his perfectly shaped brow. I love his rough morning stubble which frames his perfect lips. For a moment, my world is as it should be as I lose myself in him. Then it all comes flooding back; where I am and the reason I’m here. Reality hits me all over again. She’s gone. My wonderful, sweet, gorgeous mum is not here with us. It’s been one week since she passed and it has been, without exception, the hardest week of my life. I didn’t sleep at all that first night. I was trying to remember our last conversation. Did we speak on the phone or did we FaceTime? What was the last thing I said to her? Did I tell her how much I loved her?
I’m sure the jet lag hasn’t helped. Even with a prescribed sedative, I struggle. When sleep finally arrives, I dream of her.
