Page 154 of When Fences Fall
“Wanted to kick him in the nuts for keeping shit from you?” she asks, though she must know the answer from my face. “I’m sure it’s an easy task since his nuts are probably giant.”
I send a glare her way, not having any energy to fight my grandmother about her dirty-mouth ways. “He wasn’t home. And that’s not why I wanted to talk to him.”
“No?” She looks at me curiously. “Then why?”
I shrug one shoulder, not knowing how to explain thiscacophony of feelings I’m experiencing. She watches my chaotic movements around the kitchen for a few moments, giving me the space I need before she talks again.
“Men like that, they need space when they’re hurting.”
Her words make me pause. “How do you know he’s hurting?”
She gives me a look that says I should know better. “Because the man loves you.”
Loves me? Does he? Because it feels like I sure love him—all this pain from losing him outweighs any fear at this point.
I pull the dinner out of the fridge and set it to warm up in the oven. Grandma opens the coffee machine and pours some dark roast beans in there. She glances at me from time to time.
“It’s caffeinated,” she says when I don’t say anything out loud.
I shrug.
“No decaf in here.”
I nod.
“And you are not going to fight me on that?” She sounds almost disappointed.
“Not today,” I sigh.
“All right, Nora Moon.” Her voice takes on an edge it used to have, years ago, when someone would misbehave in her diner. My spine automatically straightens from muscle memory. “Sit right here.” She points at the stool by the table in a tone that suggests zero options for not listening.
Naturally, I do as I’m told by the woman who raised me. I just can’t fight her when she’s usingthattone on me.
“He fucked up,” she starts, making me wince. When anyone sees my Grams, she seems like a little, white-haired angel. Until she gets passionate or angry about something. “Lord knows he did. That stupid boy should have told you about everything, but most men are not very smart when it comes to relationships. And Jericho seems to be one of those.” She rolls her lips inward.
“Jericho, huh?” I feel my lips twitch.
“Steve. Whatever.” She waves her hand in the air dismissively. “But you need to take him and teach him how to go about all of that.”
“And who will teach me?” I’m full-blown smiling now.
“Nora Moon.” She taps her fingers on the table. “Get your shit together and go hear Steve out. Before I change my mind and go pull him here by his ears.”
“You wouldn’t,” I chuckle.
“Watch me.”
With that, she returns to the coffee machine. I open my mouth toadviseher about her caffeine consumption, but she quirks her brows with a silent challenge while slowly grabbing the pot and pouring herself a cup. I slump back on the stool—I’ll have this battle another day.
Later, I sit by my window, following Grandma’s advice. The stars begin appearing one by one. The moon turns brighter as the world descends into night. Heavy snowflakes start slowly falling to the ground. The world is moving on from the awful day to a lonely night, and across the way, Jericho’s house remains dark. I wonder where he is, what he’s thinking, and how mad he is at me.
My phone sits heavy in my palm. I could call him. I should call him. But what would I say? I’m sorry I didn’t listen? I’m sorry I judged you before I asked for your explanation? I’m sorry I was afraid? Even though his messages told me he’d be waiting to talk when I was ready, I can’t help but feel terrible for how long I’ve made him wait.
Instead, I open my laptop, getting ready to type his name into the search bar. But my fingers linger on the keyboard. I could just type everything and read that article Dick showed me. I could.
But I shut the laptop and push it away. I should ask Jericho first, I owe him that.
For hours, sleep eludes me. No number of crystals around my bed and purging sage help me as I toss and turn, replaying our last conversation, thinking of all the things I should have said. All the questions I should have asked.
