Page 108 of When I Picture You
#LolaGBTQ: Talking to the fans who insist Lola Gray is more than a pop icon—she’s a lesbian, too
Gloriana sighed at the final slide. It was a grainy TikTok clip. Lola recognized the mezzanine at once, Renee’s suit. She could practically feel the pressure of Renee’s hand on her ass, her hot breath in her ear. How she’d brushed off Lola’s concerns that they might be seen. The only sound the camera had picked up was an overloud cry:Oh my god, that’s Lola Gray—holy shit, did that girl just kiss her?
Lola’s shoulders folded inward. She wanted to shrink down into nothing. It was one thing to imagine how things would change when she came out. It was another thing entirely to see what it would look like when she’d surrendered the last private thing she had.
“We were only talking, I swear,” Lola said, as if that mattered. “There was no kiss.”
Gloriana gestured at the screen. “Whatever this is, it worries me, Lola. You know better than this. Now, I don’t care what happensbehind closed doors between you and Renee. I’m an ally, I support it—did I tell you my nephew came out as non-binary?—but this isn’t the Lola I know. I know you’re aware that risks like these are how we lose control of the story. So I have to stop and think: Is it really Lola who wants to act like this? Or is someone influencing her? Someone who benefits from this kind of attention, and might not care what it means for you?”
“Renee’s not with me to advance her career,” Lola said.
Gloriana looked at her like she was pathetically naive. “No, Lola. Reneeisworking with you to advance herself. You plucked her fromgraduate school, of all places, and brought her into a career-defining moment. Let’s not pretend otherwise.”
It was true. Renee had said as much to her in New York. Lola had used exactly that argument to convince Renee to take on this project.
“Making a good film isn’t your job,” Gloriana said. “That’s Renee’s problem. Your job is being Lola Gray. All of us depend on that.” She squeezed Lola’s shoulder. “But! I know how important this is to you, honey. If you want to explore being bisexual on camera, we can do it. Say the word and I’ll call the team together.”
Lola hesitated. The way Gloriana had said “bisexual” somehow sounded crass. “This meeting was just to talk it through. I still need to think about it before I make a decision.”
28
Renee paced anxiously in Lola’s back garden. With slate paving stones set around dramatic succulents and a beautiful pool done in painted Spanish tile, it was so nice, it made it hard to be truly anxious. Still, Renee managed, because her blood felt practically effervescent with anticipation as she waited for Lola to come home from her meeting with Gloriana.
Lola was going to stand up for herself and what she wanted. She was taking control of her story. Once she did that, Lola would truly be unstoppable.
Renee was so damn proud of her.
Renee had a bottle of champagne chilling to celebrate, although they’d probably end up in the bedroom first. Or the couch, if they didn’t make it that far.
Renee couldn’t wait to get started on the real work of putting the film together. Since New York, her vision for it had sharpened, her anxieties blurring into the background. She could feel their story taking shape—not only on film, but off-screen too. There was something so satisfyingly elegant about how they were intertwined, it was practically cinematic in itself: Lola reclaiming her voice, Renee battling her own creative demons to tell that story, the two of them in love.
Not that theywerein love. Were they?
Her phone buzzed.
Hello stranger
Renee frowned, disappointed that it was Kadijah. She hadn’t answered their texts since before New York.
What is this?
It was a link to another TikTok. Renee clicked through—she had the app downloaded now.Shit.Someone had filmed them at the Saint Satin show: her and Lola, pressed together, as Renee murmured into her ear. The creator thought they’d kissed. They used a hashtag referencing Lola’s lyrics: #morethanfriends.
Shit, shit, shit.Renee watched it again and again. She’d honestly thought they wouldn’t be seen. But of course, there was always someone looking at Lola.
Doesn’t look like nothing’s going on.
The glare of the sun reflected off the phone’s screen and into her eyes. If this had been a normal relationship, Renee would already have gushed to Kadijah about how kind Lola was, how her wry sense of humor only came out when they were alone. How it was so painfully, simply, beautifullyniceto be in Lola’s presence that she never wanted to be anywhere else. How Walk Away Renee was history.
As it was, she hadn’t had a real conversation with Kadijah in weeks, since before she realized she had feelings for Lola, after Corkscrew.
Am I looking at two people who *are* fucking each other or just really, really *want* to be fucking each other?
Renee chewed her lip. Obviously, she couldn’t answer Kadijah’s question, but she wasn’t sure what to say instead.
I can’t believe I’m hearing about your life from TikTok gossip
Are you seriously not going to reply?
