Page 112 of When I Picture You
“Renee’s not at all like Ava. She looks out for me. You’d love how she handles Gloriana.”
“She’s hard on Gloriana? MaybeI’min love with Renee Feldman.” Claudia lit up. “How’s she dealing with all this?”
Lola knew what she meant. The celebrity, the attention. The closet.
“That’s the other thing I wanted to tell you. I’m going to come out.”
Claudia stared at her for a beat, lost for words. Then suddenly, her eyes were shining, and she said, “Oh, Lola, are you really?”
“Why are you the one crying?” Lola asked, although her own eyes stung now too.
Claudia smeared away a tear. “Because I wasn’t sure you’d ever do it.”
“I’ve been talking about it for years,” Lola protested.
“I know.” Claudia pulled her into a tight hug. “I’m so proud of you.”
Lola felt unexpectedly overcome. She hadn’t doubted that Claudia would support her—she’d been the only person who encouraged her to go along with coming out even after Ava—but she hadn’t realized how much she truly needed to feel that. It was like a knot in her chest had unraveled, and all the anxieties of the last few months—the writer’s block, the film, all the reservations she had about coming out, and all the reasons to do it anyway—sprung free. Lola found herself sobbing into Claudia’s shoulder, and Claudia petted her hair, like she’d done when they were kids.
When she finally caught her breath and pulled away, Claudia said, “Those didn’t seem like happy tears.”
Lola dabbed her under-eyes with her sleeve. “It’s just a lot. Part of me knows this is what I want, but then when I think about it, I get soscared. I haven’t really told Gloriana yet. I keep putting it off.”
“It’s not like you don’t know what she’ll say.It’s not the right time.”
“Stop that. Gloriana looks out for me.” Lola paused. “How am I supposed to know when itisthe right time?”
“I can’t answer that for you,” Claudia said. “But with big changes like this, sometimes a time that’s good enough is better than waiting for a time that’s perfect. What made you want to do it now?”
“We wanted to do it in the film. I could tell my whole story, myself.”
“Who’s we?” Claudia asked.
“Me and Renee.”
Claudia studied her for a moment. “Have you told her you’re having second thoughts?”
Lola thought of Renee’s eyes flashing when she talked about this vision for the film. She thought about Nash’s blackmailer, and the difference between having your privacy ripped away and surrendering it. She thought about her envy of Saint Satin, and the longing she’d felt at her concert, and the fear that she wasn’t queer enough. Beyond this decision lay terrifying uncertainty, like some bizarre interstellar landscape of abysmal trenches and glorious peaks and no oxygen, no safety, no way back.
“This is really important to her,” Lola said.
“You didn’t answer the question,” Claudia said. “If Renee really loves you, she’ll understand what you’re feeling.”
Lola forced herself to smile. “There’s nothingtounderstand.”
30
Renee was in love with Lola.
She’d said it out loud.
And it was fucking amazing.
Renee didn’t know why she’d avoided relationships for so long, when they felt this good. For once, everything was going right. The film was a go—although she needed to put some serious editing hours in before she presented anything else to Dragan. It was already late November. Streamy’s March deadline was coming up fast.
Claudia had come to visit. Though she’d known Claudia forever, Renee had felt that same pride she had with Tatiana Jones, like she wanted to prove she’d do right by Lola. She still had to figure out a way to tell her mom, and Kadijah. Kadijah would forgive her for being out of contact when they heard the truth. They’d never say the wordsWalk Away Reneeagain.
But Renee’s happiness was interrupted: Lola was going to Fiji over Thanksgiving, while Renee stayed in L.A. It was as short as a trip to the other side of the world could be—but it would be the longest they’d spent apart since August.
