Page 126 of When I Picture You
“Tell me the whole story, from the beginning.”
And Renee did, as honestly as she could. She told them about the one-night stand—to which Kadijah gasped, “Iknewyou got some at that wedding!”—and how they struggled to ignore their chemistry on set. She told them about the PR relationship with Nash, because the story wouldn’t make sense to Kadijah without him, and the truth about #Lava. Kadijah said it was very romantic of Renee to sweep Lola away up to Michigan, even though Renee protested that she’d only had platonic expectations at the time.
“Didn’t look platonic in those pictures,” Kadijah said. “I still can’t believe you got papped in Petoskey.”
Renee grimaced. “I don’t know how they found us. Only like three people even knew where we were, and one of them was my mom.”
The next part was hardest to tell, because it had felt so good at the time that now the memories were painfully tender.
“When we got back, everything fell into place. Lola was writing songs again—really, really good stuff.”
“Good stuff aboutyou?” Kadijah said.
When Renee blushed, Kadijah hooted with glee.
“I know she was happier with me, but it was obvious that staying in the closet was holding her back. She’d told me a dozen times thatshe was ready to come out but had never found the right moment. So, I suggested she do it in the film.”
Kadijah clicked their tongue. “I don’t think you’re supposed to suggest that kind of thing to people.”
“I thought I was giving her the encouragement she needed. Her management was always against it, and she never stands up for herself. She seemed excited, but then put off talking to her manager for weeks.” Renee pressed her lips together and took a deep breath. “But I was under pressure too. I was really counting on that angle for my thesis. Instead of telling me she was having second thoughts, she said her manager had approved it when she hadn’t.”
“Yikes,” Kadijah said. “That’s really shitty of her, but honestly? It sounds like neither of you did a great job communicating.”
“I tried! What can I do if she’s lying to me about how she feels? I just wanted to make her happy, and I really thought this would.”
“Sometimes it’s not about making your partner happy. It’s about being there for them when they aren’t.”
As wise as that sounded, Lola had needed someone to tell her it was okay to choose herself. Renee couldn’t bring herself to regret doing that.
“When those pictures came out, her manager talked her out of coming out, so the film was screwed.”
“Which you got mad about.”
“I was already mad.” Renee downed the rest of her drink. “She’d just told me that she’d agreed not to be seen in public with me.”
Kadijah’s eyes went round. “Shewhat?”
“It was her manager’s idea, but she said yes to it. It really—it just really fucking hurt.” Renee’s voice broke. Kadijah reached across the table and squeezed her hand. After a moment, Renee said, “But I hurt her too.”
She told Kadijah about interviewing Ava.
“It was a huge mistake. I was going to apologize, but I didn’t get the chance. I mean—I walked out before I apologized.” She glared at Kadijah. “Don’tsay it.”
Kadijah’s jaw was set, but Renee could still hear them, loud and clear, calling her Walk Away Renee.
“To summarize,” Kadijah said, “Lola thinks you put her up to coming out for your film career, and even though that’s not what you were doing, you basically proved her right by sneaking around with Ava and leaving her the minute the film hit a speed bump.”
“It sounds pretty bad when you put it like that.”
“That it does.” Kadijah flagged down the waiter. “We’re going to need another round.”
35
Lola lay in bed. The room was dim. She didn’t know what time it was—she’d flung her phone somewhere. Lola knew Renee wouldn’t contact her, not after that blank look had fallen over her face. Lola had texted her frantically after she’d left, but then Gloriana called to say that Renee had resigned from the project. After that, it felt pointless.
That was three days ago.
Three days Lola had spent replaying their terrible fight. Even in her imagination, she couldn’t convince Renee to stay. Lola had put Renee first, always. Done everything she could to make her happy: encouraged her talent, written her songs, satisfied her in bed. Done everything she could to make herself easier to love. But ultimately, Renee had asked for more than Lola could give.
