Page 72 of When I Picture You
“That’s awful,” Lola said.
Renee shrugged. “Yeah, the pictures looked ridiculous. They were all too small for their frames.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
When Renee didn’t say anything, Lola added, “I can’t imagine anyone leaving you like that.”
Renee scratched at her eyebrow. “We don’t need to imagine it.”
“Do you ever talk to him?”
“He texts on my birthday.” Lola gave Renee space to continue, and after a moment she did. “He wanted everything to be fine between us, right away, but I was so mad at him. At first, he’d call me and ask how school was, and I’d say he would know if he hadn’t abandoned us. He was all,This is about me and your mom, andI’ll always be your dad. Like he didn’t realize he’d left me too. Eventually he had enough ofmy attitude, and then it wasI don’t know what you want me to do.” Renee laughed dryly. “As if it wasn’t fucking obvious, right? He decided to give me some space to cool off. I guess we’re both still waiting on that.”
“I can’t believe he put you through that.”
“I think it’s part of why I really connect with documentaries. They cut through the bullshit to find what’s real and true. That’s what I want to do with film—say something honest. Tell a story, with a purpose.” Renee shook her head.
“What is it?”
Renee hesitated for a moment, then said, “Before you called me about this job, I was about to drop out. I wasn’t going back after my leave.”
“Oh, Renee.” Lola leaned against the counter beside her and rubbed her arm. Renee leaned into her touch. “Why?”
“I just … couldn’t do it. I couldn’tmake films. It’s the one thing I dreamed of my whole life and then when I got the chance, I froze. I thought it was the program, but when I was on leave, I was still talking myself out of every idea I had for my thesis. None of them were good enough.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Which part—that my ideas were bad or that I talked myself out of them? Because both are highly believable to me.”
“The first part,” Lola said. “I’ve seen your work, Renee. I know you have great ideas. You should have more faith in yourself.”
“Are you kidding? I had everything I’d dreamed of at that program, and I went running back to my mom’s house.”
“And you tried again. You’re making your thesis, and it’s going to be so much bigger and better than anything you could have done before.” Lola stilled. “And if it isn’t, at least you’ll know for certain that it isn’t your fault.”
Renee frowned at her. “How’s that?”
She hated to say this, but she had to make Renee understand. “I don’t know what will happen to the film once everyone realizes I don’t have anything for the next album. You think the staged shoots were bad, wait until you’re watching me sing ghostwritten songs at gunpoint.”
“Hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” Renee slipped her arms around Lola’s waist. “I’m making this film, and you’re making this album. You’re Lola fucking Gray. You’d written what, a thousand songs before you even met Ava? Plus, now you have your original muse back. I’m like catnip for your creativity.”
Lola laughed, and Renee, satisfied, pulled away to fill the pot for pasta.
“Thank you for blessing me with your presence,” Lola said, watching her muse’s muscles flex as she set the pot on the stove. “It’s notonly Ava, though. The LavaTruthers are going to pick apart anything I write and connect it to her, no matter how careful I am.”
“So?”
“So, then the rumors that I’m bi will explode, and it’ll be a huge mess.”
“Lo, your fingers probably still smell like my pussy.”
“Renee!”
“I’m just saying that youarebi. Nothing’s wrong with that.”
“I know nothing’swrongwith it. I’m happy with who I am. It’s complicated professionally. I can’t simply announce I’m bi for no reason, especially when the whole world knows my history with men. With Ava, Gloriana wanted to hard launch the relationship at the same time, so everything would make sense, for the public.”
“I think the public would have gotten the idea without her.”
