Page 85 of When I Picture You
I am literally shaking they made me believe in love what am I supposed to do now
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Afew days after Lola and Nash’s breakup went public, the full film crew convened at Lola’s house. It was the first time they’d shot with everyone in weeks. Lola found herself trying harder than usual to ignore Gloriana, who was observing from beside Renee. They’d be meeting later that afternoon, and Lola intended to make the conversation about coming out, for real.
But for the moment, Lola was curled under a cashmere blanket on her living room sofa, wearing her glasses and a crushed expression. She delivered her best heartsick sigh as Cassidy told her, apparently for the first time, that news of the split had broken.
Cassidy had been looking forward to her first big moment in the documentary as Lola’s confidante while she navigated the sadly familiar waters of heartbreak. It felt a little ironic. More than anyone, Cassidy had seen Lola truly heartbroken: the unwashed hair, the weight she’d lost, the bouts of tears. Now, Cassidy was the only person who knew that Lola was truly moving on. Lola hadn’t told her sister or Gloriana about Renee, but Cassidy ran Lola’s life. It wasn’t her first rodeo when it came to managing the logistics of Lola’s secret relationships, and she’d treated the whole thing with encouraging but polite discretion.
So, when Cassidy’s brows tented and she asked, “How are you doing?” it was almost hard for Lola to remember that she was meant to be sad.
“I’m okay. Tired,” Lola answered, which was true. She and Renee had been up late, talking about their plans for the film and experimenting with the vibrator they’d ordered. This morning, when the makeup artist had commented on the purplish circles under Lola’s eyes, Renee had suggested they let them show.
“Nash and I tried to make it work.” Lola sighed. “We just couldn’t invest the time the relationship deserved. Nash’s career is taking off, and I’m focusing on my next album. In this industry, it’s so hard to put your relationship first.”
Cassidy tilted her head empathetically. “You make a lot of sacrifices for your career.”
“No one gets where I am without sacrifices.”
“Do you ever wonder if it’s worth it?”
Lola blinked at her. Cassidy’s expression was open but serious. This was a genuine question, Lola realized, not from the script she’d been given.
“I’m blessed that you can even ask me that. It’s hard to find love—for everyone, not just me. But I have to keep believing that there’s someone out there for me.”
“Cassidy, ask if she’s writing songs about Nash,” Gloriana called out, arms crossed. She did not look entertained by Cassidy’s digression.
Cassidy did as she was told.
Lola was meant to say that her fans could look forward to a Nash-themed break-up album, even if she’d never written a single thing about him. Instead, she said, “I always try to be honest about what I’m feeling, and to put that into my music. Nash will always have a place in my heart.”
WHILE THE CREWpacked up, Lola led Gloriana into her office. Lola used this room so seldom that it looked exactly as it had in itsArchitectural Digestshoot years before. She hated how it felt like a room in a dollhouse, with herself the doll, playing at business.
She and Gloriana sat in a pair of armchairs as they ran through details related to the breakup. Gloriana summarized the reaction in the tabloids and on social media, reviewed upcoming plans for Lola to step out looking fabulously single, and reminded her that the comms team would be scheduling times for her to respond to select fans’ comments on her post announcing the split. As Gloriana neared the end of her agenda, Lola started to sweat. The words stuck in her head like a song:telling, not asking.
