Page 151 of When I Picture You
“I was in the mood for a coffee.” Then she blushed violently—god, Renee loved when she blushed. “Sorry, this probably isn’t the moment for a joke.”
“I don’t know, I’ve always liked your terrible jokes.”
Lola’s sheepish smile lit Renee up. “Can we talk?”
“Sure.” Renee hurried to lock the door as her internal systems moved to high alert. “Wouldn’t want one of your fans to interrupt us, ha ha.” She actually saidha ha.“We get them in here all the time.”
This was her chance to say all the things she’d been imagining she’d say to Lola—the apologies, the confessions of everlasting love—and she was talking about Lo-Lites?
“You don’t have to be nervous,” Lola said.
“I’m not nervous,” said Renee, who was screamingly nervous. She took a few steps toward Lola, that stupid wet rag still in her hands. She flung it behind the counter, where it landed with a smack on the floor. “Okay, I’m a little nervous.”
“I got your video.”
Renee’s stomach twisted. She’d sent the video two days ago, and Lola hadn’t responded. “I’m sorry if that was too much. It felt like what the song needed, you know? It wasn’t meant to be the official music video or anything. It was just for you. For us.”
“It was perfect. It was everything I wanted.”
Lola’s big brown eyes were round and shining.Shewas everything Renee wanted, and so close. Renee could have reached out and touched her, but the space between them felt as huge as the last three months.
“God, Lo, I’m so sorry.” Her voice had already broken. “I did so many things wrong. I never should have pressured you on the—on your privacy and putting it in the film. I really thought I was being supportive, but I can see now that it didn’t feel that way. I was so stressed about my thesis, which is completely stupid because I actually dropped out of school and I’m a lot happier now. I should never have talked to Ava without your permission. That was so fucking stupid. I’ve beenso fucking stupid.
“But the stupidest thing, the thing I regret the most, is walking out on you. I was really hurt and I didn’t know how to handle it, so Ijust left. That wasn’t fair. I’m not asking you to forgive me, Lo. Well, I kind of am, because this is an apology—but I understand if you can’t.”
Renee’s heart raced from so much blathering, but Lola was staring at her with her eyes wide. “Fuck, that was a terrible apology. I’ve been thinking about that for weeks, and it came outawful.”
“I’m the one who should be apologizing. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to talk to me.”
Renee didn’t mean to laugh again, but that was just ridiculous. “Lo, you’re the only person I want to talk to.”
“Me too,” Lola said, her voice soft. She took a few steps closer to Renee. “The last few months, so much has happened—good things—but it all feels hollow without you. I have a lot of regrets too. I didn’t trust you when I should have. I was having second thoughts about coming out. I see now that that’s normal, but at the time, I thought I’d be disappointing you if I was honest—”
Renee’s feet moved without her thinking, closing the rest of the space between them. “No! Lo, never. That’s your decision.”
“You were right! I wasn’t happy and you saw that. You told me I could change, but I wasn’t ready to accept that advice. And I had people in my life who I trusted, who wanted things to stay how they were.”
“Gloriana.”
“I let her convince me that you were the problem, when you were so far from it. I should never have told her we wouldn’t be seen together.”
“You were trying to protect us,” Renee said.
Lola shook her head. “Don’t make it sound kinder than it was. I was trying to protect myself. After you left, I thought about shelving the album, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”
“Yeah, because those songs are fuckinggood.”
Lola’s eyes flashed. “I know. I wanted to release ‘Starcrossed’ anyway, but Gloriana wouldn’t let that happen. She told me the label needed me to rewrite the lyrics.”
Renee’s chest swelled. “She came for yourmusic?”
“That’s not all. Gloriana admitted to sending that photographer after us in Petoskey. She didn’t likewho I was becoming with you.”
Renee felt sick for Lola. Gloriana was like a second mother to her. That kind of betrayalhurt. She wanted to take Lola in her arms and hold her close, but instead she said, “Do you want me to murder her? I’ve never done that before, but I think I could pull it off.”
Lola laughed. “I fired her, which is the next best thing. My new management supports me coming out whenever I decide to.”
As Lola said this, Renee’s phone rattled against the counter. Renee ignored it, but a little smirk appeared on Lola’s face.
