Page 69 of When I Picture You
But as much as Lola had her fill of Renee, she was holding something back. She still hadn’t let Renee fully reciprocate. It wasn’t that she didn’t want Renee to touch her—she did, and Lola loved it—but when her attention turned to Lola’s orgasm, Lola tensed and found a way to redirect things.
Renee seemed like the kind of person who would mention it, but Lola almost didn’t want her to. It was crushingly embarrassing to admit that she was uncomfortable receiving pleasure. It had always been so much easier to worry about making sure her partner was happy, and taking pleasure in that. It meant that Lola’s partners didn’t often make her come.
But now, with Renee, she wanted to.
THEY WERE SITTINGon the deck watching the sunset on the third day. Their conversation had drifted off when Renee said, a little abruptly, “I think you worry too much about making other people happy.”
“Yes, I’m a people pleaser.” Lola laughed. “But you seem to be enjoying it.”
Lola had meant it as a sexy joke, but Renee’s expression was earnest.
“You know I am. I love it that you like giving. It’s so hot how much it turns you on. And you’re really fucking good at it. But I’m wondering if that’s theonlything you like. I’m not sure how much you want me to touch you.”
“Youdotouch me.”
“But I could touch youmore.Like, I could get you off, if you wanted. Or not, if you don’t.”
Lola chewed the inside of her cheek, unsure what to say. She wished that being honest didn’t have to be so embarrassing.
Renee was watching her without judgment. “We’re just talking, okay?”
“I’m just not always sure what I want,” Lola finally managed. “It’s easier to think about the other person first.”
“Okay,” Renee said. “But the other person should be thinking of you too.”
“I know, but they don’t always, do they?”
“Did Ava?”
“With Ava, we never had a lot of time together. I wanted to make sure she was happy, so we didn’t waste it.”
Renee darkened. “She said getting you off was a waste of time?”
“No, she didn’t!” Lola didn’t know why she was defending Ava. It was worse that she had thought that about herself. Shame shivered in her belly. “We both liked it when things were about her. When it came to me, I would get so anxious. I’d ask her to stop or—or I’d fake it.”
“Why were you anxious?” Renee asked gently.
Lola’s cheeks were burning but she made herself answer. “At the beginning, she was always talking about how she had such amazing oral skills, she could make any girl come like that, and I felt all this pressure, like if I didn’t—you know, and do it fast, then she’d be disappointed. I guess I thought I’d relax about it eventually, but I never really did.”
The muscles in Renee’s jaw flickered as she ground her teeth.
“You look mad,” Lola said.
“I am—at Ava. You were uncomfortable and the person who’s supposed to make you feel good didn’t care. She got what she wanted and did nothing in return.” Suddenly Renee went pale. “Is that what you thinkIwant?”
“No,” Lola said forcefully. “Look, that relationship had a lot of problems. But Iwantedto make her feel good, like I want to make you feel good.”
“I don’t understand,” Renee said. “That night at the wedding, I hadn’t seen you in years. You had no reason to care how I felt.”
“You know I did.” Lola’s gaze flickered to Renee’s eyes, then back to the lake. She didn’t want to look at her while she explained this. “And at the wedding, I was spinning out. I felt like my career was slipping away, and I’d always imagined myself there with Ava. Sometimes, when the pressure’s that high, sex feels like this one perfect thing I have control over. That feelsright. I wanted to lose myself in you for a few hours.”
“Fuck.”
When Lola looked over, Renee was shaking her head.
“What’s wrong with that?” Lola’s whole body was hot, despite the cold air.
“Nothing’s wrong with that. What I meant is, you are so fucking hot. And I appreciate you telling me that.” Renee pulled Lola’s hand toward her mouth and kissed her knuckles, then her palm. “But what if you thought about sex as more aboutfeelinggood, thanbeinggood? Because youaregood, Lo. I’ll tell you that a million times, in bed and anywhere else you need to hear it. But you deserve to feel it too, don’t you think?”
